Annoucing Race for the Cure Training





Decided to try out a video blog! I will be working on the mechanics of it all and hopefully get better at all of this. Hope you all can see it!

The news about cancer being a fungus is nothing new, but it keeps coming across my path so I thought I would pass on the info.  After finding out I had Valley Fever ( which is a fungus ) from living in Arizona, the thought that it was linked to my cancer in some way made sense.  Yes, it is a very simple solution.  Could it be that simple? I mean what would all the drug companies do if the cure was really a matter of bisodium carbonate? See for yourself. . .  Dr. Tullio Simoncini

There is also some very good information from a sassy gal who is a raw food expert.  You can read more on her blog.  You might need to sign up for the site, but it's free and has a lot of great information on not only cancer, but just lving healthy. Ideal Bite


Or here's another

  Cancer is a fungus ~

Interesting stuff. . . .

I had a visit with my British oncologist the other day.  It’s not that I don’t  like him – he’s  friendly and compliments my hair.  I just don’t like what he has to say.  In recent past, women were given a drug called Tamoxifen  as a follow up to treatment  for breast cancer.  Now there is a new super-drug that’s called Femara.  Femara blocks cells from producing estrogen in the body.  The type of cancer I had was estrogen positive, meaning basically it fed off any estrogen my body was producing.  You can read more about it at http://www.chemocare.com/BIO/femara.asp  to get a better medical translation.

Between the side effects of the drug and my new state of menopause  my new host of side effects could cause weight gain, lethargy, depression, achy joints  and hot flashes.  Wow. Thanks.  I thought I could get all those things all on my own , thank you very much.  Yes, it seems I can add ‘hormonally challenged ‘ to my list of credentials.

I guess I am just disappointed.  I really thought I would feel SO MUCH better by now. Some days, it’s downright depressing.  When I asked my doctor about this he said “ It’s a small price to pay for the price of a life.”  I’ll give him that.  That’s true.  But that’s the same answer  my gynecologist said when I asked her if my sex life was ever going to be the same.  Now I’m starting to think that all these ‘small prices’  are adding up.  But, even so, if I don’t take Femara my chances of recurrence is 33 %  .  That’s too much for me.  I didn’t come all this way to still run a 33% percent chance of having to face cancer again. I talk a lot about how I beat cancer- even get a  little cocky about it sometimes.  But don’t ever let me fool you into thinking I’m not afraid of it.  It’s kind of like the schoolyard bully. You know he can kick your butt at any time and you do everything you can just to avoid him.  Then, one time you get in a fight and get a few good punches in – possibly even beat him, but inside you know you were lucky that day. 

I am lucky and I am blessed, but I want this to go away.  I’m tired.   I think of the people who have been fighting cancer for years and I wonder. . . Is that me? Will I think of the little pill I have to take for the next 5 years as saving a life or will it be a constant reminder of cancer? I go for another CT scan on Tuesday and bone scan after that. I know it will be fine.  In fact, there is a big part of me that doesn't’t even want to go because I feel like it’s a waste of time and money.  Then I quickly remind myself that’s how I felt about my mammogram about this time last year. 

I don’t remember a lot growing up.  In fact my sister could probably tell you more about me growing up than I could.  I don’t remember a lot of my adulthood either, but I am very ‘sensory sensitive’.  There are smells I remember very clearly.  Like my nana’s house, or fresh cut grass from the lawn mower.  These things can take me right back to a place or time when I remember things very clearly. I recently uncovered a new time- place association that wasn’t so nostalgic.  The chemo place. When I went for ‘chemo days’ my husband and I would snuggle up to my laptop and watch movies for the afternoon. I didn’t think too much about it until I snuggled up in bed the other night and popped a movie in my laptop.  I literally got nauseated.  I didn’t really put things together until out of nowhere I got a whiff of the chemo room.  Wow. This was certainly different than a whiff of fresh cut grass.  I wondered if this was a version of post traumatic syndrome. Gratefully, the whole event lasted less than 5 minutes.  It passed quickly and I was left shocked and amazed of this real physiological response to a laptop and a movie.  I thought maybe I would watch some movies on my laptop in different situations, but I realized I would always associate watching movies on my laptop with ‘chemo days’.  So glad those days are behind me. 

My last surgery went off without a hitch too.  I think it’s funny when Doctor’s tell you how great you did during surgery.  Like I would know if I was ‘bad’?  I mean, I think you are supposed to say ‘thank you’ – but it’s nothing you can control  anyway so-what’s the point? What exactly does a bad patient do when they are under the knife- fart????

Anyway, I am astounded by the medical technology these days and the fact that I can have a hysterectomy with 3 tiny scars, some tenderness  and be up and walking around that evening.  I do have to give good ol’ Pilates some props because without it I doubt I would have recovered so quickly.  So, here I am.  I have some ‘finishing up’ in the breast area, but the big stuff is over.  I made it – now what? Oh, I’ve got some things up my sleeve. If you know me or if you’ve been reading this blog you know that I constantly have something going. I’m teaching again and working on my newest stress management workshop -  But there’s a part of me that kinda says “So, that’s it huh?  Hmmmm.  I looked cancer in the face and kicked it’s ass.”  That’s pretty cool.

My doctor called me the other day, at home. . . around 7:00 in the evening. . . while she was on vacation.  Everything about that scenario made my ears perk up and listen. Doctors rarely make phone calls like that.  She started with very basic conversation about the surgery etc. but as the conversation rolled on she strongly recommended I have a full hysterectomy and not just removal of the ovaries. Bummer.  She wasn’t making  a hasty decision.  I mean, we have met twice in her office and she listened to me, understood me and agreed that the removal of the ovaries is the least invasive procedure.  So, why the sudden change?  As she stated,” I just would hate for something to happen down the road and end up regretting your decision to not have everything removed when you had the chance.”
Uhhhhmmm- YEAH, me too. 

I know what happened, where my thinking got screwed up .  I went to see some goof ball doctor that looked like he just rolled out of bed and told him I needed a hysterectomy because I have this cancer gene, blah,blah,blah . . . and he said “ Why do you need a full hysterectomy? Why don’t you just have your ovaries removed?? It’s an outpatient procedure, there’s almost no recovery time, it’s very simple.” Bingo!!!! He said exactly what I wanted to hear.  I didn’t like him, but I liked what he had to say so when I went to see the new doctor, I said to her “I just need to have my ovaries removed.  I really don’t want a full hysterectomy.  I need to get back to work, blah blah ( I don’t want to stay in the hospital and I’m scared shitless of what type of pain this might bring me is what I really wanted to say )
She listened and understood but there was apparently a nagging voice in the back of her head that said that wasn’t the best thing to do for me, so she made the call.  I’ve learned to trust those gut feelings, even if they aren’t always mine.  My ego was telling me ‘just get the ovaries removed’ because I want this whole thing to be SO over already! I don’t want to go to the hospital again.  I don’t want any more pain.  O.k. and I will admit it, I feel like a money pit. There. I said it. I can’t help it.  It’s true.  It’s like replacing a new water heater or something.  You spend all this money and don’t really get anything fun for it.  I know, I know- you say “ Yes, but this could be saving your life!” or “ How do you put a price tag on a life?” But this little cancer gig has cost enough to send both our kids to college – and then some.  So, yes, I feel a little guilty and I know I shouldn’t but I just do.

I am also feeling like there is big adventure around the corner.  I don’t know what exactly, but I know that I didn’t go through this whole big process not to have something big and wonderful come out of it.  I’m at the final stages of this. I’m glad I didn’t take the easy way out with just the ovaries.  I feel like I have done all the right things to insure my survival and that’s a good feeling, even if it does take longer to recover.

Monday was  my birthday. It was a good day.  It’s not a ‘big’ birthday- I’m just turning 27- I mean 37. (Geez, I’m pushing 40!) I don’t do big celebrations on my birthday.  I like to do what I want, whatever that may be at that time in my life.  This year, it happened to be exercising and spending time with my husband, just enjoying life- enjoying each other. The older I get the more I feel like celebrating my mom on my birthday.   After all, she was the one that brought me into the world.  At least that’s how I felt when my daughter turned 16 last week. Of course we celebrated her being ‘sweet 16’ but in my own way, I celebrated myself for bringing such a gift to the world. I can’t help it- I think she’s amazing, even in all of her teenage drama.

It’s hard to believe  6 months ago I was smack in the middle of chemotherapy.  I expected to have more energy back by now. My joints are achy, my muscles are tired- I’m tired.  I suppose all of this cancer business has taken it’s toll. I have to chuckle at my naiveté.  I expected to feel bad when I was going through chemo. I wasn’t expecting it to last so long.  On the brighter side of things -  I finally have some head coverage ! It’s actually pretty nice for the Arizona heat.  I said my final good bye to my wig and stored it away with my scarves hoping to never have to wear them again. 

On the morning of my birthday I had a dream right before I woke up about working for the American Embassy all over the world consulting on stress management. It was such a great dream.  After I woke up a little voice in my head said “ If you can dream it, you can do it.” And then I retorted  “ Yeah, but I don’t even know where to start.” And the voice came back and said ‘Bullshit. You know exactly what to do.’  And you know what? It’s true.  I don’t believe in ‘wrong’ decisions because I think everything leads you to the exact path you need to go.  So worst case scenario, I do something that gets shut down.  So what?
 
The real birthday gift to myself was taking a step in the general direction of making this come true. I figure even if I’m at half way point in my life – I’ve got another 37 years.  That’s a lot of time to fulfill a lot of dreams. 

                                          

PS. As a way of celebrating my birthday week I am offering my “ Tough Girl” tank tops at cost. ( $15.00 per shirt including shipping)  The logo reads
“Get Your ‘Tough Girl’ On!” with a black and white picture of the Inner Tough Girl logo.  They are screen printed with pink letters – all from the Gap. I only have a few left  ( small, medium and large available) so if you or someone you know needs a reminder to ‘stay tough’  let me know .  You can pay by PayPal or send a check or money.

I believe.  I believe in the “Bigger Picture”.  I believe in a “Greater Plan”.  But even for me sometimes it’s hard to have faith in the Greater Plan when you feel like you keep being tested over and over again.

What do you do when you don’t like what you are looking at?
 I’m told you change the way you think about it. There are times when situations arise in life and you think “That really sucks” No matter how you slice it up.  My husband tells me ‘Someone’s trying to test your metal’.  So, my only choice is to change the way I think about it- roll with the punches.

I won’t go into a big long song and dance about the situation, because quite frankly- I’m tired of myself.  Let’s just say - It doesn’t look like I’ll be going back to a full schedule of teaching group Pilates classes anytime soon.  The reconstruction phase of my surgery is not going as well as planned.    Instead of summer vacation in June I will be getting my ovaries removed with yet another recovery period.  My only choice is to change the way I think about the situation.

As life would have it, I was asked to lecture on “Stress for Caregivers” at a hospital in town.  I got a good laugh out of this- not because the topic is funny- but because the Universe was letting me be the authority on it! Anyway, I dove in head first with the topic, using all the things I learned in the nutrition seminar  and more.  What I came up with was a fun, effective workshop encompassing all the things I love to do. I plan to take this workshop and do some corporate work- focusing on ‘stress management‘. 

This is where all of you come in!  If you work for a company or know of anybody who works for a company that would be interested in ‘stress management’ please let me know.  The title of the workshop is called “Lighten Up! Successful Strategies in Stress Management”.  Originally, The name was ‘Taming the Stress Monster’ but every time I looked at the picture I felt stressed so I figured  I needed to stop focusing on stress and focus on healthy techniques of managing stress. My life got much better.

PS- I am also doing a spin off on this workshop to fit the general public called “Lighten Up! Techniques for Healthy Living.”  Let me know if you have any ideas! I am so excited about this! It is so much fun !!!

PPS.  I will be posting some of the techniques on my blog so stay tuned!

 

When I was a teenager and construction crews whistled as I walked by I felt grown up.  When I got a little older, I thought it was vulgar and disgusting.  But today when a trucker guy gave a whistle I felt like Miss America.  Apparently bald chicks are sexy to some guys.  Who knew?? Maybe they weren’t whistling at me? Whatever.  Those were the best 15 minutes of my day.

Last week when I went to see my doctor I thought the ‘filling up’ of my breasts were working – on one side at least.  I was a little lopsided but I actually got kind of excited- one side was actually looking normal.  What I thought was saline was actually ‘fluid buildup’ Ewwww.
Gross for sure, but not the worst thing that could happen, until yesterday when it shot out like a geyser all over my new shirt.  Being the eternal optimist I thought “Oh good- at least the fluid released and both sides look the same!” Not so much.  My chest muscle separated and there’s a little piece of it floating around causing all the trouble. I go in for yet another surgery tomorrow to remove the little booger. As if that weren’t  enough my car also felt like ‘bursting’.  At least it waited until I got home to explode.  Green radiator fluid all over the place.  I had to laugh at the similarity or else I was going to cry. 

 The crisis is over and now I have some time to reflect.  I usually get to my ‘grateful’ stage – realizing all of this could be much worse and ending with ‘This too shall pass” but I thought it  had already ‘passed’.  I feel like that person in the movies when they look up into the sky and yell with the camera zooming in on their mouth like a black hole. Maybe I should reread my last entry about everything being ' exactly the way it should be  right now' or maybe I should just go to bed.

I forgot for a minute that everything is exactly the way it supposed to be at this moment.  I forgot for a minute that I am exactly where I need to be.  I forgot for a minute, but now I remember.  Truth be told, I got the drains out of my sides on Friday and I feel like a new person. I feel like I have the strength inside me to build a new life. It's a small step, but it's a step.  I spent a total of 15 minutes on the doctor's office on Friday, but in those 15 minutes, so much happened.  I got my confidence back.  I wanted to thank my doctor - not just because he took the drains out,  but he let me know it was o.k. to grieve, to be sad and only I would know when the right time for my husband to see me would be. I barely know this man, but those few words validated my feelings. It gave me permission to be sad and then get over it.
 
 I wanted to thank my friend Sandy who wrote 'the monkey mind tells us we should 'be this' or 'do that' ' It reminded me that everything is exactly the way it should be right now and just as the ebb and flow of life brought on some seemingly stormy weather - it's just a phase.  The only person in charge of turning the tide is me.

Success is such a relative term.  What is success to one person is not the same for another.  My surgery was a success in that the cancer was removed and that there is a 99% percent chance that it will not come back to the breasts.  The pathology report came back and the tumor had clear margins (meaning they got all of it) and only one lymph node was affected so I will not need radiation.  As far as surgery goes, mine was successful.  I had a follow up visit with the Doctor to take the bandages off on Friday.  He was very pleased with the results- I had a slightly different reaction. I think the reality of what has happened finally hit me.  Not only did I look like something out of a horror movie- but my husband was going to have to see me this way.  Once you look at something  like that you can’t ‘unlook’ and even though I know my husband loves me, I realized he might not ever look at me the same way.  To top it off, the rest of my eyebrows decided to fall out.  I noticed for the first time I look ‘sick’.  So, now the hard part comes-it’s time to use all the things I have learned.  My walks get a little longer,  I will rehabilitate myself using all stretches and exercises  I have learned  and try not to look in the mirror.

There’s a pep talk dancing around in my head, but it’s like watching someone talk and not being able to hear what they are saying.  Things are still very foggy- like the lines between dreaming and reality have been blurred.  I have never been through anything like this, so I don’t know really how to feel or when I can expect to be ‘back to myself’ again.  This kind of thing changes a person- there really is no ‘going back’.  I have good times and bad times ,several times throughout the day.  I still have the drains in my chest so I know that once those are removed my recovery will be much quicker. 

MY ‘inner tough girl’ has been getting a work out- I just gotta make it through the next few months. . .

PS. I want to thank everyone for all the phone calls, emails and cards etc. when I get my head back together, I will respond to them as quickly as I can.