For the majority of my life I have  thought if you believed in something strong enough it would be that way. Now, I am at a point in my life where all levels of my belief systems are being challenged. When I was sick I never questioned 'why me?' I figured there was a better plan for me. Something to be learned. That there was a purpose for what was happening. 

My cousin, who was diagnosed at the same age as myself passed away a few weeks ago.  Her cancer was in remission for several years, but came back in the bones and liver. Like my aunt that passed away, she is far too young to leave this world and yet, I have to wonder if the same will happen to me. The similarities are uncanny - All of us were diagnosed at the same age. Same type of cancer, in the same place.  I know I know this doesn't have to be my destiny - but the thought has crossed my mind. . . and I think of the time we are given here on this planet.

In the scope of things, it has not been that long since I just finished with my treatments and with the surgeries. There is a certain amount of post traumatic syndrome with all of this.  Every ache or pain comes with the fear that it might have come back. On most days there is a chronic pain throughout my entire body.  With that usually comes waves of exhaustion and then panic of what might be happening.  My recent CT scans were all positive.  The spots on my lungs are stable and no new signs of cancer anywhere else.  And I am trying really hard to be as 'normal' as possible, but still just kind of holding my breath.  I want someone to say 'you will never have to worry about this the rest of your life' but no one can really do that. What if my time is up?

I clearly remember sitting with Matt in the oncologist office for the first time. We were laughing and he was teasing me and the doctor came in and said "I certainly don't like what I am going to have to do to you" and I didn't understand.  I didn't understand physically or emotionally how this was going to change me.  I think because cancer is so common now people treat it like it's getting the flu or something. But just because it is more common doesn't mean it is an easy thing to go through.  Not in the least. I have a very good survival mechanism that has been a pattern all my life. Meaning, I am pretty good in a crisis, but it's the aftermath when I start  to come unglued. So, people often ask me " So, how are you doing- everything is good? and I smile and say 'Yeah,yeah everything is good." But what I really want to say is " Hell no! Everything is not o.k. - I feel like a maniac most days and I am afraid of dying almost on a daily basis" but that's probably not the most appropriate response and you know what? Quite frankly, people don't really want to hear that. So, almost like the hurt feelings of a bad break up, I am hoping this feeling goes away too. . . it just takes time.

  

Happy New Year Friends!
I hope all of you are njoying the day exactly how you wish.  I have a feeling 2009 is going to be great. I wrote this a few evenings ago.  Just wanted to thank everyone for your support throughout life- especially the past year. The saying " To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world." Guess that's how I feel about all of you ( that goes for all of you silent lurkers out there too! ) I know you have been there cheering me on.


As the New Year approached, I wanted to start out in a clean, organized office. Somehow clutter attracts itself to the corner of the house where no one can see.   As I started to dismantle everything,  I realized I had inadvertently made an ‘altar’ to my cancer.  All the cards, mementos, words of encouragement, special gifts friends had sent along the way. Everything was piled and displayed like a homage to this time in my life.  I cried. . . .I cried like I haven’t cried in a long time and then I put it away. It’s gone .  The cards, the gifts and the cancer. And when I looked down to take a drink of my tea I noticed the saying on the mug my daughter gave me for Christmas. “just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly” I cried some more. It’s time.   I’m ready to move on, yet I have no idea what the future holds.
It’s late here – later where most of my friends and family are, but I suddenly had this urge to call all the people who ‘showed up’  in my life and thank them.  But words can not describe the kind of gratitude I have for every note, every post, every phone call, everything. . . deep  and powerful and I don’t want to forget those feelings.  I mean-   people I barely knew helped me carry this cross- how do I even begin to tell them how they saved a life? I started to write my annual New Years letter  today.  In my mind I deemed it the ‘year of the lemon’ but as I write this now I think it was the ‘year of strength’.  It was the year my family grew up and grew closer than ever before.  It was the year I found strength I didn’t know I had.  It was the year  my faith in people grew stronger and my faith in God and the way the Universe works reached a new level.   I don’t know where to go from here, but I’m pretty sure God will show me the way.

  

After a very rough start to the day yesterday, I decided to seek out some professional help.   I was at standstill in the learning process.  I knew I had to do something differently, I just didn’t know how.  After an hour or so with the instructor, I wanted to try my luck at a green run again.  My instructor was reluctant, but it was my dime and I wanted to go- plus, I wanted to be able to go with the kids.  Right after we got off the lift, I saw my little tribe.  I had grand illusions of gliding down the mountain together.  Instead it was something like this:   “ OH HEY YOU GUYS ! Great timing! We just got off the . . .“  Good!   Oh. . . .wait . . .Let’s . . .oh….o.k. then! We’ll catch up later! “

Yes, and that’s how the rest of the day went.  So, this morning, I was a little reluctant to pay hard earned cash to beat myself up again, falling down the mountain by myself.  So I treated my bruised aching body to the Spa.  But, before indulging in luxury,  I thought a good hike  in winter wonderland was in order.  It was snowing and I just wanted to  enjoy being in this place that God smiled upon so I chose the Fairview Look Out Trail.  I like lookouts. . .they  usually ‘ look out’ on great places.  It was quiet , hearing only the snow crunch under my boots.  Peaceful and beautiful and flat. . . for about 300 meters.  Then the next  kilometer was straight uphill.  I got to a place that was a good stopping point, and I thought about turning around- I mean who would know? But the promise of a grand “lookout” was lurking just ahead, so on I went.  Then a slight wave of panic started .  There were warning signs about bears and I was all alone.  No one knew I was there and there were TRACKS! As in animals tracks.  Bears?  No, no those would look like paws right? No these were more like hooves.  Elk?  Whatever.  Maybe I should go back. No, then I would have to live with myself not going snowboarding and wimping out on  my hike. No, I am going to the “look out “ even if it takes me all morning.  I’m sweating now and it’s a white out.  I get to the look out and I can’t even see across the Lake. It’s beautiful no doubt and I am grateful to be in such beauty, which got me to thinking how my little hike this morning was very reminiscent  of life. Flat for awhile, going along, enjoying the process and then boom! All uphill for what seems like a very long time.  Unlike other hikes I have been on of this nature, the  destination point or the ‘lookout spot’ wasn’t as rewarding, but it was unique and beautiful  none the less.  Then there was the downhill which seemed like a breeze after trenching uphill and in the end, I was glad I took on the challenge. And there you have it.  Life in a nutshell. 
I spent the remainder of my afternoon in the “ quiet place” of the spa reading my book. Ahhhh..  I thought of the hectic, frenzied pace of the long lift lines and crowded ski slopes. Not today.  Nope. Screw the Slopes, give me the Spa.

  

The snow is gently falling outside our warm and cozy hotel room. 



 
( Picture taken from inside our room at The Chateau Lake Louise this morning )


The high temperature will be about 5 degrees.  Yesterday we spent the day at ‘Sunshine Village’ – where yes, it was sunny at the top of the mountain, but it still didn’t make up for the below zero temps- and those chairlifts to take you to the top? Brutal. 



 
( Chelsea, Brandon and Kevin on top of Sunshine Mountain )

Despite the tons of lunges  and balancing work I did to prepare myself for this trip, it apparently was not enough.  There were no instructors available this trip so I had to rely on what I learned 2 years ago which wasn’t that much.  First day was a little frustrating.  Not wanting to lose face with the kids ( especially Brandon ) I went down a green run right away.  This scenario was typical Hamilton fashion.  Once again, We all start out the same, wanting to do things ‘together’ , but not even 5 minutes off the lift, the boys are frustrated at the girls slow pace and Chelsea and I wave them on, saying we will catch up later.  Chelsea had the patience of a Saint.  Stopping ever so often, encouraging me.  Had the situation been reversed, I would have been telling her to “toughen up”, or “don’t be afraid” but instead her wise words of wisdom were “ Trust yourself”. Which is one of the reasons snowboarding is so hard for me.
I look at these other people and they are just enjoying the ride, not worried about a thing.  And here I am putting so much strain on my legs and tensing up so much it requires 100 times more effort to even get to one side of the mountain.  Which is why my right leg is so exhausted and sore I have to literally pick it up to get in to bed. So , I took the morning off.  I will head over to the mountain in a few hours after I have had my lemon water (yes, I stopped at the store and bought lemons ) do some Pilates , warm up my legs a little and get a better frame of mind. Today is the last day we have the rental equipment and if I don’t go today I will be kicking myself wishing I would have went ‘ one more time ‘ .



( Picture of The Chateau and Lake Louise from the top of the Mountain )

Considering we were in Whistler last year ( where the weather is much warmer I might add ) and I had one chemo treatment under my belt and 7 more to go, I think I am doing pretty good.

  

Sometimes when you at least know the 'reasons' you feel bad you don't feel so crazy.  I guess you have something to blame for your general crudiness. I knew that hormone imbalance and estrogen were responsible for a lot of things, but I had NO IDEA to what extent. The joint and muscle pain I have been experiencing is a result of no estrogen in the body. The swelling and inflammation - same thing. Fatigue and depression, you guessed it.

Under normal circumstances, your body gradually goes through this change. But in my case, every estrogen maker in my body was totally shut down - and fast. So, all of the sudden, my body starts reacting- screaming and crying I should say to this change going on. My gynecologist told me this was going to happen - I just didn't 'get it' until it started actually happening.  I remember her saying " You will abruptly go through the symptoms of having no estrogen in your body and I won't be able to help you with hormone replacement therapy because of the cancer." and I thought- 'That's fine' and didn't think another thing about it. . . .until all these things started popping up. Like 10 pounds that came out of nowhere and joint pain and depression. I won't even go into the lack of libido part, but as my doctor reminded me,  I need to pay attention to it because it does affect relationships. All of these things do- not only my relationship with my husband, but when you have no energy to do anything but lay on the couch, it affects the whole family.
So, I do feel better just knowing that 'my symptoms' are part of the aftermath of cancer. She said in another year or so things should level out.
In the meantime, it's time to up my exercise, get my butt off the couch and force myself to do the things I know will make me feel better.

I did find an interesting article about joint pain , inflammation and the estrogen connection.  
http://www.womentowomen.com/inflammation/jointpainorarthritis.aspx

  

And just when I needed it- I came accross Randy Pausch's "Last Lecture' video at Carnegie Hall and puts everything in perspective. You can watch it on You Tube http://www.youtube.com/watch?vji5_MqicxSo

Or visit the website at The Last Lecture.
Enjoy!
Love you all-

  

I wish I thought of that!
Some of you might remember when my hair was falling out and I decided to shave my head.  I had glamourous expectations of what I thought should happen. Turns out, my husband will tell you it was one of my 'worst moments' of going through chemo. The clippers died mid stream and left me with what could only be decribed as a mohawk gone bad. I was left literally pulling the rest of my hair out which must have looked a 100 times worse than it actually was because that's the image my husband has in his mind when he remembers that day. Geez.
My cousin, on the other hand had a very cool 'ceremonial shaving' I thought I would share with you - in case you ever ( although I hope you never have to ) shave your head.
Gathered with family, they burried her locks under a pink rose bush they planted in observance of the special day and toasted with mimosas. Damn! I wish I would have thought of that! Although seeing how I manage to kill all my plants, I would have been a little bummed out when the roses died, probably have taken it as an omen or something that my hair made the roses die. Anyway, I like her version much better and in fact, she forwarded this litle thing about St. Therese that kind of goes along with it. 

Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little Ways. Meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with great love. She is also the patron Saint of flower growers and florists. She is represented by roses. St. Theresa's Prayer: May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a childof God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

I needed that reminder today- actually within the last few weeks , and since I have reserved the right to complain and/ or vent/whine /whatever on this blog there is something I need to get off my chest (pun intended).  Did I really need my cousin's breast cancer to remind me of just where I was a year ago? How on earth can I forget how just last year I appreciated every little thing in my life - the small things when just the other day I was racing all over town like a maniac thinking " Is this really what life is about?" Did I really go through all this cancer garbage just to run the same rat race? I am confused and stuck. I guess I felt like I had to work extra hard to get back the time I lost when I couldn't work. And now. . . . I am gratefully busy with classes and clients yet I am still letting my schedule run me instead of me running my schedule.  When I was going through treatmets I felt I had a purpose.  I knew I was going to make it because I knew there was a purpose.  Now. . . I don't know - sometimes I think " What if I was all wrong? " What if there really was no purpose at all??? Maybe I just made that up- like kids like to believe in fairy tales.
I guess I really did think when the cancer is gone you are 'all better' - I have news for you- it's never 'all over' It changes you - forever on very deep levels.  I guess I'm just having a hard time bouncing back.  My final surgery was last week and Matt made a comment about it 'finally being all over' and I nodded 'yes' and agreed but inside I was thinking 'this will never be all over'.  The reality is that there are scars that go way beyond the skins surface. There is pain and fatigue in my muscles and joints that realistically might not ever go away. My breasts will never, ever look or feel the same. I'm telling you- it's this final stretch that is the hardest by far, but when should I 'get over myself' and just move on? 

  

                                                             
                                                                        Matt and I before the race.



                                                             
Did I tell you Brandon finished the race in 22 minutes? It's a 3 mile race and he didn't even really 'train' to do it. I would say "Ah, the joys of being 13- but I dont think I could do that even when I WAS 13!





                                                            
                                                      
Having a daughter like Chelsea makes me want to be a better person. I am so lucky to have her for a daughter.  I wish I was even half the person she is when I was her age. I couldn't have made it through the last year without her loving support . Thank you Chelsea for being an amazing young woman.

  

I am happy to report that the Race for Cure was a success.  I was so glad to experience it with my family and have them run with me.  I think it gave them a chance to see just how many people are affected by BC.  I thought I would be more emotional, but I broke down at weird times like the day before when I went to register for all of us.  The lady asked a very simple question " Are there any Survivors?" and I started  tearing up. I just smiled,proudly lifted my chest and said " ME!!" But, that was it.  It was too crowded to get emotional- too much going on, there were over 40,000 people racing.

The race was much like my own journey with cancer.  We all started out together, then feeling like I was holding Matt and Brandon back, I urged them to go on and finish there own race.  Chelsea and Kevin stayed with me and Kevin stayed with Chelsea when she wanted to walk- while I felt the need to keep running and do it by myself.  Matt came back and found me and we finished together, all ending up in the same place in the end.

In the end, I thought "Everybody has to run their own race. " and everybody did it differently, yet ended up in the same spot. It was good and I was happy and I hope that one day in life the kids will look back on it and remember when we all did it together.

                                                                                                                                                                                                         
                                                 

  

Hi Gang! If you can stand looking from the sideview, ( not he best angle I assure you) you can at least hear what my talk was about at the luncheon.  I am still working on video quality so it might be a little fuzzy- but if I waited unil it was perfect it might not ever be posted.




Angella speaking at the Power Ranch breast cancer luncheon.