Inner Tough Girl

Is Any of This Post Cancer Stuff Working?

2010-02-11T03:48:00Z

I spend a lot of my day just trying to feel good. I wake up and drink my green juice, I found a Power Plate at a gym by my house. I eat pretty good throughout the day. I exercise. I take a shit load of vitamins and that's just before noon. I am an advocate for healthy living and yet, I have to ask myself " Is any of this really working? " In a conversation with one of my clients, she said " It's almost like the people who don't do those things want you to fail so they can be right." Yes. I suppose it's true. But I can't help to think what would happen if I didn't do all of these things. I would be in complete misery.

The Inner Tough Girls recently received sponsorship for their programs from a company call RX AID. It's a prescription assistance program helping people without insurance or crappy insurance get the medications they need.

I had to think long and hard about this - on one hand, I do not advocate lazy people taking no responsibility for their health and just wanting a pill to make it better. On the other hand, I know from personal experience there are drugs that absolutely helped me in my recovery. The more I started to think about it, I realized I could do a lot more good for people on this program than harm. I have the chance to reach out to people in need , teach them a different way of life , maybe make a few lifestyle changes to increase their quality of life. If they still need the medication they are taking, they will be able to get it - whether they have insurance or not.

When I was in the hospital, I was very afraid to take any pain medication because I didn't want to be 'hooked' . Then someone explained how pain really works in the body. How if you are in pain all the time, your body cannot use it's natural healing process to get better. That made sense to me. I took the pain meds and got better. For a long time I din't want any prescription for the post menopause symptoms. I tried every homeopathic remedy I knew- but I still felt like crap . This went on for several months until I broke down and gave a prescription a try. I resisted it, but I took it anyway. I felt better and my quality of life was better.

In many ways, I think I brainwashed my own self into thinking if I took a prescription I was 'bad'. But, you know what? It increased my quality of life. Do I still work out and eat right? Yes! of course I do- but I am also grateful I have this medicine in my life so I am able to enjoy life with my family and friends.

I am thrilled to be working with RX Aid.

They are a solid company who sincerely wants to help people have a better quality of life and I am grateful.

Pinkfest is Over ~ Inner Tough Girls Wear Purple with Pride!

2009-11-02T00:53:00Z

It's official. October is now over. We can trade our pink for shades of red and green. I am grateful for the money and awareness going in to Breast Cancer research. I am. Truly- but with each passing year, as the awareness grows, I feel companies and even individuals exploit the disease in effort to make themselves look good for 'a cause.' Like the Coca Cola company with Diet Coke for the Cure ~ Really? Because I am pretty sure the artificial crap that goes into Diet Coke plays a big part in disease. Or, like the lady who continually spammed me to buy Avon for 'The Cure'. Let's be honest. There is not too much 'curing' going on. There is too much money to be made from cancer. Let's put some money into Survivorship. Let's put some money into the community where these women live to teach them a new way to cook for themselves and their family. Or to help them physically and mentally heal from the onslaught of a cancer diagnosis. That's where I'm putting my money. . . obviously.

The kick off luncheon for the Inner Tough Girls was a success. It was the equivalent of Christmas for me. Preparing for a big day, getting everything you wished for and more, feeling deep gratitude for everyone around you. Yes, October 30th 2009 is a day to remember. If you haven't seen our new website, you can check out all the Tough Girl happenings at OurLifeAfterCancer.org

I think everyone else felt the same too. There were new faces, familiar faces, tears, smiles and lots of hugging going on! As usual, everyone forgot to take a lot of pictures and the video camera didn't work, but other than that - it came off without a hitch.

I kept remembering the man that approached me when I was having lunch with a friend during treatments. You might remember it too- when the man said to me, " I just want you to know- everything really is going to be alright." I thought he might be proud of me for some odd reason. I felt so grateful to be in the presence of such amazing women. The age range spanned from 17 to 70, all with one thing in common. Cancer had affected their lives in some way.

The best gift of all was the fact that my daughter witnessed such strong women. When I was young, I wanted my parents to be proud of me. When I became a parent, I wanted my children to be proud of me. I have certainly caused many tears as a parent. Groundings, disappointments etc. but on October 30th, I caused a different kind of tears - joyful tears of a daughter who was proud of her mom.

Chelsea and a few of the Inner Tough Girl Board Members

Cancer Bonus 101 ~You Will Meet Cool People Along the Way

2009-08-28T05:42:00Z

I learned many years ago to pay attention to the people who 'show up' in your life. This is really an intriguing process -one that amuses me and frustrates me at the same time. When I have a situation that didn't end very well I think to myself " That's just great.. ..I'll get to learn THAT lesson again I am sure."

Other times, I am completely delighted when I meet people that come into my life for whatever length of time.

Lately, I have been meeting very cool people. I've met a cancer nutritionist , a 22 year ovarian cancer Survivor and President of the Ovarian Cancer Society of Arizona. I have met organic farmers,
a makeover specialist, the brains behind an amazing sponge that is literally changing my skin. I mean the list could go on. People are pulling together now more than ever.

The Inner Tough Girl Life After Cancer Events have taken on a whole new life within the last few months. We filed for our 501 c status, launched our website attracted a grant writer, event planners, and passionate people that just want to help in some way. Yes, of course, some things have not turned out as planned- that's to be expected. It's a growing process and if we are able to stay flexible in our thoughts, we might just get more than we ever dreamed possible.

In between all the excitement, I myself am still struggling with post cancer - but every time I feel down, an angel with a face appears and I remember everything is exactly how it needs to be for now- whatever the reason.

Our Board decided to hold off on the 'BIG' event, opting for a smaller, more informal event. It is a positive thing- we will have the opportunity to really get to know our Founding Members and learn how to support them the best way we can. We are walking before we are running and building the foundation for something that will take on a life of it's own and change hundreds of thousands of people throughout the years. That's 'Tough'.

We've even set up ways for you to support us by recycling your old electronics ~ Good for the environment, good for our pocketbook and good for your clutter control. We keep trying to think of ways to reach as many women affected by cancer as we possibly can. What's your suggestion? Think outside the lines box, lines and limitations!
In Health and Happiness,
A.

The Tough Girls Guide to Life After Cancer

2009-08-10T05:14:00Z

In the beginning of my treatment, my ‘tough girl’ was like a cheerleader. Rah! Rah! Save the world- Sack that c-a-n-c-e-r . Then it was like a broody teenager- pissed off most of the time, annoyed and emotional. Then something shifted and I was ready to step up to be the person I was intended to be – Confident and happy with who I have become.

The other day,I was in the grocery and heard some ladies talking about their chemo treatments. I realized there were 5 of us in the produce section and 3 of us had undergone chemotherapy. It was time to do something about my dream -it was time to make a leap of faith even though I felt it was "too big" for me. As fate would have it, once I made this decision, all kinds of help stepped up to the plate and volunteered for project. There was no turning back.

Many moons ago when people would ask what I ultimately wanted to do with my life- I would respond "I want to build something that will outlast me." Meaning,I wanted to change and impact people in a way that would make the world a better place. I had no idea how plans would unfold - as most of us rarely do. Besides bring two beautiful people into the world, The " Life After Cancer" events are my contribution to the world.

I realized there is a lot of support for women initially diagnosed and going through treatments, surgery etc. but not too much about what happens after the cancer is gone and the treatments are over. I understand there are a lot of people who go on with their former life- a life before cancer-but for me, cancer deeply impacted my life and my relationships. Nothing is the same and to be quite honest. . . I had a tough time.

People would say "Oh, well you are so young, you will recover fast!" and yep - that's true - but being young and recovering from cancer creates a whole host of physical problems. Yeah, I AM young and I would like my sex life back - I AM young and I did not plan on having debilitating arthritis and fatigue for my 'younger years' I AM young and did not plan on having to worry about bone density at my age or my teeth falling out for crying out loud. Yes, I will admit - I feel a little robbed of my youth. Whatever-I try not to think about it too much.

A friend recently passed on this quote to me about faith:
Faith...
When you come to the edge of all the light you have, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on,
or you will be taught how to fly.

It's our time to fly...

My vision and intention is to take "Life After Cancer" events to a national level. After the success in Phoenix I plan to take the event to Ohio and Seattle. I am sure God will let me know where else I am supposed to go. So, please know that your support is not only for the event in AZ, but across the country. Here Are the details so far:

Life After Cancer: A Tough Girl's Guide to Health and Happiness

An interactive event for women who have been affected by any type of cancer.
Guest Speakers to Include:

*Naturopathic Oncologist : Dr. Daniel Rubin of Naturopathic Specialists

* Raw Food Expert and Nutrition Consultant
* Exercise Specialist
* Style and Image Expert
* Life Coach
* Stress Management
* Food
* Prizes
* Laughter,support and FUN!

A donation between $35.00 - $50.00 is suggested, however Dr. Rubin has generously donated select sponsorships. All contributions go to this and future events across the nation.

When: October 30th 2009 from 10:00 a.m. - 2:00 p.m.

Where: Fairmont Scottsdale Princess
Scottsdale Arizona

Please join us on FaceBook and Twitter@PilatesLounge for updates

The End of the Road Trip

2009-08-07T17:58:00Z

Whether by fate or by design, there was no T.V in our accommodations in Napa Valley. Secretly I thought this was great- we were surrounded by books and games – I was looking forward to some good ‘quality time’ with the kids.

On one particular day we decided to venture to the coveted Culinary Institute of Amercia.

The day started so beautiful, so peaceful. I woke up early and watched the dew burn off the vineyards.
There was a feeling of peace and gratitude that almost humbles me to tears.

Slowly, the kids wake up, start banging around. I remind them we are at someone’s house- not a hotel and there will be no maid coming in to clean up their sloppy mess. Brandon drops his cereal, Chelsea places her hot iron on hard wood floors and I snap.

What happens next is something that resembles a scene in The Exorcist.
The bad eating, no exercise, low tolerance for stress built up and unleashed it’s fury. Not even 5 minutes pass and I wish I could claim a ‘do over’ but my kids aren’t buying it this time. They’re pissed.

Where is my husband? All of us start to deeply miss him in a way that feels like nothing will be fun anymore until we see him again. We eat, we play cards, we do some painting, but nothing is right until we pick him up at the airport.

The thought of driving back to the airport causes slight post traumatic syndrome of the days before when we were horribly lost. But this time we get our act together and start working as a team. Chelsea becomes the co pilot I needed all along and we make it to the airport no problem.

From the minute we see out Knight in Shining Armor ( aka my husband ), the whole energy of the trip changes. Life is good.

I found my own little oasis when we arrive at The Sonoma Mission Inn. Ironically, Matt and I had stayed at this property over a decade ago on our fist trip to Napa and it was just as beautiful now. I was in desperate need of some real exercise.I head to the spa, soaked in the mineral baths, did some Pilates. Ahhh yes, this was exactly what I needed. Something ‘woke up’ inside me – I was ready to head back to Phoenix although I had no clue what was to unfold when I got there.

As life has a way of doing, when a particular venture, relationship, career is not meant to be, it starts to crumble away and this is how I felt about teaching Pilates and training clients.

Somewhere between chemo and surgery of last year I decided I didn’t want to work with people who were just working out to ‘look hot’. I wanted to make a difference. When the time came for me to return to work however, I was so hungry for something resembling my old life, I settled for my stagnant routine. But just like my jeans that had grown too tight over my Summer travels – something about this didn’t feel good anymore. I had grown out of my job AND my jeans. . .now what?

Road Trip Part 3- I'm having fun. . .really!

2009-07-30T22:51:00Z

I should mention that I am having fun on this grand excursion. The kids are actually great travel companions. When I ask “What do you want to do?’ they say ‘ Whatever’ or "Where do you want to eat?" they respond ‘I dunno’. This causes words of my father to spew from my mouth “You guys need to start figuring these things out- I’m not the entertainment community.” It occurred to me that although we had had many ‘vacations’ to nice places etc. Most times we were merely ‘visiting’ a place. There’s a difference, you know, between traveling and visiting. Visiting means getting toted around everywhere and having everything planned out for you- traveling is brass knuckles.

The unfortunate part (or fortunate –however you choose to look at it) is that we were just ‘visiting’ on the island of Maui a few weeks before where we took what could easily be one of the top five windiest roads in the world. The Road to Hana –It’s an infamous road and nearly made everyone car sick by the end- So as we begin our scenic adventure from Santa Monica to Carmel, driving up the Pacific Coast Highway – a wave of motion sickness sets in and I remind myself to enjoy the scenery. Which I would have enjoyed the scenery – very much had I been in the passenger seat. But no, I’m clenching my jaw, gripping the wheel, through yet again another tight, winding road. My friend had told me all about this private little beach along the road- she even wrote little directions on a map. It was so ‘private’ we drove right past it ….TWICE! our 5 hour jaunt had turned into seven and we all need to pee – so we head to the hotel –The Carmel Mission Inn. Newly renovated with the price that proves it, I glance over to see moderate disappointment across the faces of my little tribe. This is NOT the Fairmont. We decide to head down to the bay and see lots of ocean life and even a sea otter just hanging out on a rock beside us. Very cool.

There is a somber air around us, mainly because we realize we will be dropping Kevin off to his grandparents the next day. We are half way into our road trip, but thousands of miles away from home and it’s starting to feel that way. My nerves are shot – I ran out of clean underwear back in LA. I am tired of eating out. . .and shopping. . I would love some clean clothes and a few days of no planned activity.

Kevin’s grandparents are adorable and talking to them makes me miss my Nana and tears start welling up. Jeez- could I get any weirder? Why am I crying?

We say our good byes and off we go. I figure this is a good time to get in some good ‘conversation time’. A chance to reflect on our trip so far. I start to explain to Chelsea how she needs to know these things about navigating a map and directions, etc. and that getting lost was bound to happen, just keep your cool, figure out where you are and where you need to be and work it out. We then proceed to get lost in down town San Fran driving from one end of the city to the other. To the Golden Gate Bridge to the Bay Bridge and back again to the Gold Gate. I find it very ironic that we get within a mile from where we need to be and I start doubting myself and TURN AROUND in the opposite direction. Story of my life. I know, I know. . .most of you are thinking “Just by a GPS for godssake!” and surely I would have gladly spent the money to buy one- had I thought of it. But no, this was ‘old school road trip’ from start to finish.

Finally we cross the bridge ( the Golden Gate ) and off to wine country. For me, Seeing wineries and vineyards is the equivalent of seeing movie stars for the kids. There is an excitement about it and then . . . there it was. . . our fairly tale farm house sitting on a small vineyard with rose gardens and 100 year old trees. We are ‘home’ - at least for the next 5 days.

Navigating A Road Trip - Part Two

2009-07-28T19:07:00Z

We head to Santa Monica , Ca It was our lucky day when we were upgraded at the Fairmont Miramont. I love this hotel. I feel at home here. It is said that many Hollywood stars have been discovered in the lobby bar. I decide to have a drink there ‘just in case’. We head to the Pier and have some greasy food and do some serious people watching. Brandon’s eyes start to light up with the ‘sale’ signs in every window and tons of good looking people. We had one day to do Hollywood so, typical Hamilton style, we cover everything in record time and then look at each other and ask ‘ now what?’

                                                                         Rodeo Drive –check
                                                                      Hollywood Blvd. – check

                                                                 Fairfax Farmers Market –check

Oddly, everyone picks the Farmer’s Market as the favorite of the day. Maybe it was the array of food stalls or the mysterious ‘celebrity’ with a trail of Paparazzi that walked by the boys. No one could figure out who it was, and honestly, who cared? Especially Chelsea who went on a mild rant about the shallowness of celebrity following blah blah blah. . . However, I did find it interesting about the whole business of the Pap. Where did they come from all the sudden? I wish I would’ve gotten a picture of the picture takers.

WHY do I feel so lost? I’ve even been here before! I am exhausted. Extreme sensory overload. My neck and shoulders are killing me from gripping the steering wheel and breaking out in sweats

trying to find our way. I try to meet up with a friend, but since my sense of direction is so whacked, I don’t have a clue where she is staying or visiting. God, what has happened to me? I have become a traveling nightmare.

Navigating A Road Trip - Part One

2009-07-27T22:19:00Z

Last summer was about saving my life. This summer is definitely about savoring my life. I remember telling myself last year that I would ‘make up’ for what I felt I missed out on next summer. I dreamed about taking a road trip through California and quite frankly I was tired of thinking about it. This was the year. My husband didn’t think any part of ‘road trip’ through summer was fun, so we invited my daughter's boyfriend to join us for a few days. This does several things :
A. My daughter is much happier.
B. My son, also has some male friendship and
C. There is considerable less fighting between all of us.

There is a down side to this- do you remember being 17 and having your boyfriend around your parents? There are bound to be embarrassing moments. I was terrified of embarrassing my kids and paying dearly for therapy sessions in their later years that would 'scar them for life.'
I can do this. It’s a straight shot on the highway. I have been to LA before- I’ve driven in big cities. No worries.

There are certain instances that make me a Nostalgic Sap- like the exciting feeling of going on a road trip. Leaving early, cooler packed with snacks. Or like when I told the kids “This map has traveled around the country for the last 15 years. “ Hmmm. . . Think about that for a minute . . . what I have here is an extremely outdated map.

Life is good until we hit an accident on the highway and miss our exit to Newport Beach. After some time, I start seeing signs to Temecula and I remember thinking “ Wow- Temecula is so far away from everything else .” Looking at the map ( an updated one this time from the gas station) we figured we were a solid 1 ½ in the opposite direction. Terrifed my kids were going to blow up and angrily ask “ What were you thinking.” They just looked at each other and being teenagers, blurted “Blowhole!”
Never hearing this term before – I double over in laughter. Laughing of course breaks the tension and back on the road we go.
A few things were blatantly obvious to me thus far:
1. My husband, became so good at taking care of things the past year that it was much easier to let him do it ( i.e navigating a map )
2. Map skills are a highly valuable skill. - Even in the age of downloading maps to your phone.
3. My ability to deal with stressful situations had increasingly diminished.

My third point makes sense due to fluxuating hormones and mental stress levels. This is part of life after cancer or maybe this is life with 3 teenagers in a car on one Mother Load Road Trip.
I was uncomfortable in every sense of the word. I started to question my road trip decision. My gut feeling told me there was something to be learned from this scenario. I certainly had no other choice but to focus on the problem at hand. I had no choice but to be 'in the moment' for better or worse, there is something to be said about that.

A good old candy store saved the day when we found buckets of salt water taffy. We end the day huddled together with our gummy artificial flavored wads of sugar and watch “ I Love You , Man “ which turns out to be very funny and ‘full of fodder for future conversations” as Chelsea puts it.

Getting lost seemed very far away.

What to do with this blog?? Life After Cancer

2009-06-22T22:27:00Z

I know, it has been awhile since I have written on this blog. I have been working so hard on thePilates Girl Blog that I haven't had much of a chance to 'get in touch with my cancer feelings' . Honestly, I want to be known as the Pilates Girl , not the cancer chic. So, it begs the question. . . what happens to this blog? Do I change it into a source for knowledge and resources for other people going through the same thing or do I just let it drift on out in cyberspace?

I guess I could write about how cancer has affected my life and how things will never be the same - wah,wah,wah. . . If I updated you on every doctor appointment or every time I thought I had a recurrence of cancer, It would be quite depressing and a bore. I don't have time to think about it any more. I have accepted the fact that I will probably lead a little shorter life than I expected, but no one and I mean no one, knows when they 'will go'. That being said, I have some living that needs to be done and that means I have to ignore the cancer for awhile.

If you are waiting for a special occasion to drink the good wine- don't . If you are waiting on something to make you happy- you better go out and find out what it is, because the day will come when you will wish you would have done those things sooner.

I am sure I will occasionally post on this blog and I will always keep it up and running so people may find it when they need to - but if you want to keep up with the LIVING I am doing, you will have to follow me on The Pilates Lounge because I am tired of hearing myself whine about the cancer. It happened. It has changed me in a way that is so deep I can not even begin to express. Not for better, not for worse, just changed.

In time, when I am ready, I will come back to my program I started for BC Survivors - the exercises and the nonprofit I started , the workshops etc, but I need to get some distance from it first. Right now, I need to take a break from cancer, I need to clean my closets- ( literally ) I need to get a fresh start and weed my garden. ( metaphorically since I don't have a garden and if I did I would kill everything in it.)

So, I ask you, please stop by the Pilates Lounge, follow me on Twitter or You Tube and keep in touch. In the meantime, I will be loading all my cancer related workshop material so you can download it for free in case you know of someone who needs it.

In Health and Happiness!
Angella

There Are Some Good Days Too!!

2009-03-17T02:45:00Z

Having your belief systems shook up every once in awhile is not a bad thing. It has given me a chance to deepen my core beliefs. It makes me stronger as a person. Geez, I just said that. . . I just said the phrase I have always hated. I am writing today on a 'good day'. Yes, there are plenty of good days although it seems I only write when things are getting me down. This period of time that I am going through right now is an interesting time. It goes beyond affirmations and 'positive thinking'. It is a crossroads where I can either stand up and grow up or sink into 'Loserville'. Every day, whether you have cancer or not, we can make the choices that make up the depth of a person. Are some days hard? Yes, but guess what? LIFE is hard sometimes. Big deal. Someone please knock me off the pity pot. You guys have all been very patient with me- and I thank you - but it's time for me to get over myself.

Writing is part of the healing process for me. My cousin and I were not close, in fact, we hadn't seen each other in over 20 years. I spoke with her when I was diagnosed about the genetic testing and we kept in touch briefly after that. But, somewhere I felt this 'sisterhood' between us because the cancer and of the gene defect. Just as a person in general, I was pulling for her, wanting her to make it- defy the odds somehow. I think I wanted her to do it so I could be reassured that the same wouldn't happen to me. Silently when I was praying for her, I was praying for me too. My grief in her passing was not necessarily because I 'lost' someone in my life, but because it messed with my own issues around dying. But, if recurrence IS in my future, I have a lot to do before then. I have gotten a second chance- I am choosing not to waste it.

Time

2009-03-12T03:42:00Z

For the majority of my life I have thought if you believed in something strong enough it would be that way. Now, I am at a point in my life where all levels of my belief systems are being challenged. When I was sick I never questioned 'why me?' I figured there was a better plan for me. Something to be learned. That there was a purpose for what was happening.

My cousin, who was diagnosed at the same age as myself passed away a few weeks ago. Her cancer was in remission for several years, but came back in the bones and liver. Like my aunt that passed away, she is far too young to leave this world and yet, I have to wonder if the same will happen to me. The similarities are uncanny - All of us were diagnosed at the same age. Same type of cancer, in the same place. I know I know this doesn't have to be my destiny - but the thought has crossed my mind. . . and I think of the time we are given here on this planet.

In the scope of things, it has not been that long since I just finished with my treatments and with the surgeries. There is a certain amount of post traumatic syndrome with all of this. Every ache or pain comes with the fear that it might have come back. On most days there is a chronic pain throughout my entire body. With that usually comes waves of exhaustion and then panic of what might be happening. My recent CT scans were all positive. The spots on my lungs are stable and no new signs of cancer anywhere else. And I am trying really hard to be as 'normal' as possible, but still just kind of holding my breath. I want someone to say 'you will never have to worry about this the rest of your life' but no one can really do that. What if my time is up?

I clearly remember sitting with Matt in the oncologist office for the first time. We were laughing and he was teasing me and the doctor came in and said "I certainly don't like what I am going to have to do to you" and I didn't understand. I didn't understand physically or emotionally how this was going to change me. I think because cancer is so common now people treat it like it's getting the flu or something. But just because it is more common doesn't mean it is an easy thing to go through. Not in the least. I have a very good survival mechanism that has been a pattern all my life. Meaning, I am pretty good in a crisis, but it's the aftermath when I start to come unglued. So, people often ask me " So, how are you doing- everything is good? and I smile and say 'Yeah,yeah everything is good." But what I really want to say is " Hell no! Everything is not o.k. - I feel like a maniac most days and I am afraid of dying almost on a daily basis" but that's probably not the most appropriate response and you know what? Quite frankly, people don't really want to hear that. So, almost like the hurt feelings of a bad break up, I am hoping this feeling goes away too. . . it just takes time.

Grateful

2009-01-02T01:11:00Z

Happy New Year Friends!
I hope all of you are njoying the day exactly how you wish. I have a feeling 2009 is going to be great. I wrote this a few evenings ago. Just wanted to thank everyone for your support throughout life- especially the past year. The saying " To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world." Guess that's how I feel about all of you ( that goes for all of you silent lurkers out there too! ) I know you have been there cheering me on.

As the New Year approached, I wanted to start out in a clean, organized office. Somehow clutter attracts itself to the corner of the house where no one can see. As I started to dismantle everything, I realized I had inadvertently made an ‘altar’ to my cancer. All the cards, mementos, words of encouragement, special gifts friends had sent along the way. Everything was piled and displayed like a homage to this time in my life. I cried. . . .I cried like I haven’t cried in a long time and then I put it away. It’s gone . The cards, the gifts and the cancer. And when I looked down to take a drink of my tea I noticed the saying on the mug my daughter gave me for Christmas. “just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly” I cried some more. It’s time. I’m ready to move on, yet I have no idea what the future holds.
It’s late here – later where most of my friends and family are, but I suddenly had this urge to call all the people who ‘showed up’ in my life and thank them. But words can not describe the kind of gratitude I have for every note, every post, every phone call, everything. . . deep and powerful and I don’t want to forget those feelings. I mean- people I barely knew helped me carry this cross- how do I even begin to tell them how they saved a life? I started to write my annual New Years letter today. In my mind I deemed it the ‘year of the lemon’ but as I write this now I think it was the ‘year of strength’. It was the year my family grew up and grew closer than ever before. It was the year I found strength I didn’t know I had. It was the year my faith in people grew stronger and my faith in God and the way the Universe works reached a new level. I don’t know where to go from here, but I’m pretty sure God will show me the way.

Screw the Slopes, I'm Headed to the Spa

2008-12-29T22:10:00Z

After a very rough start to the day yesterday, I decided to seek out some professional help. I was at standstill in the learning process. I knew I had to do something differently, I just didn’t know how. After an hour or so with the instructor, I wanted to try my luck at a green run again. My instructor was reluctant, but it was my dime and I wanted to go- plus, I wanted to be able to go with the kids. Right after we got off the lift, I saw my little tribe. I had grand illusions of gliding down the mountain together. Instead it was something like this: “ OH HEY YOU GUYS ! Great timing! We just got off the . . .“ Good! Oh. . . .wait . . .Let’s . . .oh….o.k. then! We’ll catch up later! “

Yes, and that’s how the rest of the day went. So, this morning, I was a little reluctant to pay hard earned cash to beat myself up again, falling down the mountain by myself. So I treated my bruised aching body to the Spa. But, before indulging in luxury, I thought a good hike in winter wonderland was in order. It was snowing and I just wanted to enjoy being in this place that God smiled upon so I chose the Fairview Look Out Trail. I like lookouts. . .they usually ‘ look out’ on great places. It was quiet , hearing only the snow crunch under my boots. Peaceful and beautiful and flat. . . for about 300 meters. Then the next kilometer was straight uphill. I got to a place that was a good stopping point, and I thought about turning around- I mean who would know? But the promise of a grand “lookout” was lurking just ahead, so on I went. Then a slight wave of panic started . There were warning signs about bears and I was all alone. No one knew I was there and there were TRACKS! As in animals tracks. Bears? No, no those would look like paws right? No these were more like hooves. Elk? Whatever. Maybe I should go back. No, then I would have to live with myself not going snowboarding and wimping out on my hike. No, I am going to the “look out “ even if it takes me all morning. I’m sweating now and it’s a white out. I get to the look out and I can’t even see across the Lake. It’s beautiful no doubt and I am grateful to be in such beauty, which got me to thinking how my little hike this morning was very reminiscent of life. Flat for awhile, going along, enjoying the process and then boom! All uphill for what seems like a very long time. Unlike other hikes I have been on of this nature, the destination point or the ‘lookout spot’ wasn’t as rewarding, but it was unique and beautiful none the less. Then there was the downhill which seemed like a breeze after trenching uphill and in the end, I was glad I took on the challenge. And there you have it. Life in a nutshell.
I spent the remainder of my afternoon in the “ quiet place” of the spa reading my book. Ahhhh.. I thought of the hectic, frenzied pace of the long lift lines and crowded ski slopes. Not today. Nope. Screw the Slopes, give me the Spa.

Two Words. . . Brrrr and Ouch!

2008-12-27T17:30:00Z

The snow is gently falling outside our warm and cozy hotel room.

( Picture taken from inside our room at The Chateau Lake Louise this morning )

The high temperature will be about 5 degrees. Yesterday we spent the day at ‘Sunshine Village’ – where yes, it was sunny at the top of the mountain, but it still didn’t make up for the below zero temps- and those chairlifts to take you to the top? Brutal.

( Chelsea, Brandon and Kevin on top of Sunshine Mountain )

Despite the tons of lunges and balancing work I did to prepare myself for this trip, it apparently was not enough. There were no instructors available this trip so I had to rely on what I learned 2 years ago which wasn’t that much. First day was a little frustrating. Not wanting to lose face with the kids ( especially Brandon ) I went down a green run right away. This scenario was typical Hamilton fashion. Once again, We all start out the same, wanting to do things ‘together’ , but not even 5 minutes off the lift, the boys are frustrated at the girls slow pace and Chelsea and I wave them on, saying we will catch up later. Chelsea had the patience of a Saint. Stopping ever so often, encouraging me. Had the situation been reversed, I would have been telling her to “toughen up”, or “don’t be afraid” but instead her wise words of wisdom were “ Trust yourself”. Which is one of the reasons snowboarding is so hard for me.
I look at these other people and they are just enjoying the ride, not worried about a thing. And here I am putting so much strain on my legs and tensing up so much it requires 100 times more effort to even get to one side of the mountain. Which is why my right leg is so exhausted and sore I have to literally pick it up to get in to bed. So , I took the morning off. I will head over to the mountain in a few hours after I have had my lemon water (yes, I stopped at the store and bought lemons ) do some Pilates , warm up my legs a little and get a better frame of mind. Today is the last day we have the rental equipment and if I don’t go today I will be kicking myself wishing I would have went ‘ one more time ‘ .

( Picture of The Chateau and Lake Louise from the top of the Mountain )

Considering we were in Whistler last year ( where the weather is much warmer I might add ) and I had one chemo treatment under my belt and 7 more to go, I think I am doing pretty good.

Now it Makes Sense

2008-11-10T23:55:00Z

Sometimes when you at least know the 'reasons' you feel bad you don't feel so crazy. I guess you have something to blame for your general crudiness. I knew that hormone imbalance and estrogen were responsible for a lot of things, but I had NO IDEA to what extent. The joint and muscle pain I have been experiencing is a result of no estrogen in the body. The swelling and inflammation - same thing. Fatigue and depression, you guessed it.

Under normal circumstances, your body gradually goes through this change. But in my case, every estrogen maker in my body was totally shut down - and fast. So, all of the sudden, my body starts reacting- screaming and crying I should say to this change going on. My gynecologist told me this was going to happen - I just didn't 'get it' until it started actually happening. I remember her saying " You will abruptly go through the symptoms of having no estrogen in your body and I won't be able to help you with hormone replacement therapy because of the cancer." and I thought- 'That's fine' and didn't think another thing about it. . . .until all these things started popping up. Like 10 pounds that came out of nowhere and joint pain and depression. I won't even go into the lack of libido part, but as my doctor reminded me, I need to pay attention to it because it does affect relationships. All of these things do- not only my relationship with my husband, but when you have no energy to do anything but lay on the couch, it affects the whole family.
So, I do feel better just knowing that 'my symptoms' are part of the aftermath of cancer. She said in another year or so things should level out.
In the meantime, it's time to up my exercise, get my butt off the couch and force myself to do the things I know will make me feel better.

I did find an interesting article about joint pain , inflammation and the estrogen connection.
http://www.womentowomen.com/inflammation/jointpainorarthritis.aspx

And Then I Saw This

2008-11-03T04:46:00Z

And just when I needed it- I came accross Randy Pausch's "Last Lecture' video at Carnegie Hall and puts everything in perspective. You can watch it on You Tube http://www.youtube.com/watch?vji5_MqicxSo

Or visit the website at The Last Lecture.
Enjoy!
Love you all-

A Cool Way to Shave Your Head

2008-11-03T03:09:00Z

I wish I thought of that!
Some of you might remember when my hair was falling out and I decided to shave my head. I had glamourous expectations of what I thought should happen. Turns out, my husband will tell you it was one of my 'worst moments' of going through chemo. The clippers died mid stream and left me with what could only be decribed as a mohawk gone bad. I was left literally pulling the rest of my hair out which must have looked a 100 times worse than it actually was because that's the image my husband has in his mind when he remembers that day. Geez.
My cousin, on the other hand had a very cool 'ceremonial shaving' I thought I would share with you - in case you ever ( although I hope you never have to ) shave your head.
Gathered with family, they burried her locks under a pink rose bush they planted in observance of the special day and toasted with mimosas. Damn! I wish I would have thought of that! Although seeing how I manage to kill all my plants, I would have been a little bummed out when the roses died, probably have taken it as an omen or something that my hair made the roses die. Anyway, I like her version much better and in fact, she forwarded this litle thing about St. Therese that kind of goes along with it.

Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little Ways. Meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with great love. She is also the patron Saint of flower growers and florists. She is represented by roses. St. Theresa's Prayer: May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a childof God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

I needed that reminder today- actually within the last few weeks , and since I have reserved the right to complain and/ or vent/whine /whatever on this blog there is something I need to get off my chest (pun intended). Did I really need my cousin's breast cancer to remind me of just where I was a year ago? How on earth can I forget how just last year I appreciated every little thing in my life - the small things when just the other day I was racing all over town like a maniac thinking " Is this really what life is about?" Did I really go through all this cancer garbage just to run the same rat race? I am confused and stuck. I guess I felt like I had to work extra hard to get back the time I lost when I couldn't work. And now. . . . I am gratefully busy with classes and clients yet I am still letting my schedule run me instead of me running my schedule. When I was going through treatmets I felt I had a purpose. I knew I was going to make it because I knew there was a purpose. Now. . . I don't know - sometimes I think " What if I was all wrong? " What if there really was no purpose at all??? Maybe I just made that up- like kids like to believe in fairy tales.
I guess I really did think when the cancer is gone you are 'all better' - I have news for you- it's never 'all over' It changes you - forever on very deep levels. I guess I'm just having a hard time bouncing back. My final surgery was last week and Matt made a comment about it 'finally being all over' and I nodded 'yes' and agreed but inside I was thinking 'this will never be all over'. The reality is that there are scars that go way beyond the skins surface. There is pain and fatigue in my muscles and joints that realistically might not ever go away. My breasts will never, ever look or feel the same. I'm telling you- it's this final stretch that is the hardest by far, but when should I 'get over myself' and just move on?

Race for the Cure Pictures

2008-10-21T02:24:00Z

                                                                        Matt and I before the race.


Did I tell you Brandon finished the race in 22 minutes? It's a 3 mile race and he didn't even really 'train' to do it. I would say "Ah, the joys of being 13- but I dont think I could do that even when I WAS 13!



Having a daughter like Chelsea makes me want to be a better person. I am so lucky to have her for a daughter. I wish I was even half the person she is when I was her age. I couldn't have made it through the last year without her loving support . Thank you Chelsea for being an amazing young woman.

Race for the Cure Results

2008-10-21T01:41:00Z

I am happy to report that the Race for Cure was a success. I was so glad to experience it with my family and have them run with me. I think it gave them a chance to see just how many people are affected by BC. I thought I would be more emotional, but I broke down at weird times like the day before when I went to register for all of us. The lady asked a very simple question " Are there any Survivors?" and I started tearing up. I just smiled,proudly lifted my chest and said " ME!!" But, that was it. It was too crowded to get emotional- too much going on, there were over 40,000 people racing.

The race was much like my own journey with cancer. We all started out together, then feeling like I was holding Matt and Brandon back, I urged them to go on and finish there own race. Chelsea and Kevin stayed with me and Kevin stayed with Chelsea when she wanted to walk- while I felt the need to keep running and do it by myself. Matt came back and found me and we finished together, all ending up in the same place in the end.

In the end, I thought "Everybody has to run their own race. " and everybody did it differently, yet ended up in the same spot. It was good and I was happy and I hope that one day in life the kids will look back on it and remember when we all did it together.

Breast Cancer Luncheon

2008-10-03T16:28:00Z

Hi Gang! If you can stand looking from the sideview, ( not he best angle I assure you) you can at least hear what my talk was about at the luncheon. I am still working on video quality so it might be a little fuzzy- but if I waited unil it was perfect it might not ever be posted.

Angella speaking at the Power Ranch breast cancer luncheon.
http://blog.innertoughgirl.com/2008/10/03/breast-cancer-luncheon.aspx

Race For The Cure

2008-09-21T21:25:00Z

Annoucing Race for the Cure Training

http://blog.innertoughgirl.com/2008/09/21/race-for-the-cure.aspx

Decided to try out a video blog! I will be working on the mechanics of it all and hopefully get better at all of this. Hope you all can see it!

Is Cancer a Fungus?

2008-08-14T01:34:00Z

The news about cancer being a fungus is nothing new, but it keeps coming across my path so I thought I would pass on the info. After finding out I had Valley Fever ( which is a fungus ) from living in Arizona, the thought that it was linked to my cancer in some way made sense. Yes, it is a very simple solution. Could it be that simple? I mean what would all the drug companies do if the cure was really a matter of bisodium carbonate? See for yourself. . . Dr. Tullio Simoncini

There is also some very good information from a sassy gal who is a raw food expert. You can read more on her blog. You might need to sign up for the site, but it's free and has a lot of great information on not only cancer, but just lving healthy. Ideal Bite

Or here's another

Cancer is a fungus ~

Interesting stuff. . . .

Hormone Challenged

2008-08-03T15:21:00Z

I had a visit with my British oncologist the other day. It’s not that I don’t like him – he’s friendly and compliments my hair. I just don’t like what he has to say. In recent past, women were given a drug called Tamoxifen as a follow up to treatment for breast cancer. Now there is a new super-drug that’s called Femara. Femara blocks cells from producing estrogen in the body. The type of cancer I had was estrogen positive, meaning basically it fed off any estrogen my body was producing. You can read more about it at http://www.chemocare.com/BIO/femara.asp to get a better medical translation.

Between the side effects of the drug and my new state of menopause my new host of side effects could cause weight gain, lethargy, depression, achy joints and hot flashes. Wow. Thanks. I thought I could get all those things all on my own , thank you very much. Yes, it seems I can add ‘hormonally challenged ‘ to my list of credentials.

I guess I am just disappointed. I really thought I would feel SO MUCH better by now. Some days, it’s downright depressing. When I asked my doctor about this he said “ It’s a small price to pay for the price of a life.” I’ll give him that. That’s true. But that’s the same answer my gynecologist said when I asked her if my sex life was ever going to be the same. Now I’m starting to think that all these ‘small prices’ are adding up. But, even so, if I don’t take Femara my chances of recurrence is 33 % . That’s too much for me. I didn’t come all this way to still run a 33% percent chance of having to face cancer again. I talk a lot about how I beat cancer- even get a little cocky about it sometimes. But don’t ever let me fool you into thinking I’m not afraid of it. It’s kind of like the schoolyard bully. You know he can kick your butt at any time and you do everything you can just to avoid him. Then, one time you get in a fight and get a few good punches in – possibly even beat him, but inside you know you were lucky that day.

I am lucky and I am blessed, but I want this to go away. I’m tired. I think of the people who have been fighting cancer for years and I wonder. . . Is that me? Will I think of the little pill I have to take for the next 5 years as saving a life or will it be a constant reminder of cancer? I go for another CT scan on Tuesday and bone scan after that. I know it will be fine. In fact, there is a big part of me that doesn't’t even want to go because I feel like it’s a waste of time and money. Then I quickly remind myself that’s how I felt about my mammogram about this time last year.

Remembering

2008-07-15T00:59:00Z

I don’t remember a lot growing up. In fact my sister could probably tell you more about me growing up than I could. I don’t remember a lot of my adulthood either, but I am very ‘sensory sensitive’. There are smells I remember very clearly. Like my nana’s house, or fresh cut grass from the lawn mower. These things can take me right back to a place or time when I remember things very clearly. I recently uncovered a new time- place association that wasn’t so nostalgic. The chemo place. When I went for ‘chemo days’ my husband and I would snuggle up to my laptop and watch movies for the afternoon. I didn’t think too much about it until I snuggled up in bed the other night and popped a movie in my laptop. I literally got nauseated. I didn’t really put things together until out of nowhere I got a whiff of the chemo room. Wow. This was certainly different than a whiff of fresh cut grass. I wondered if this was a version of post traumatic syndrome. Gratefully, the whole event lasted less than 5 minutes. It passed quickly and I was left shocked and amazed of this real physiological response to a laptop and a movie. I thought maybe I would watch some movies on my laptop in different situations, but I realized I would always associate watching movies on my laptop with ‘chemo days’. So glad those days are behind me.

My last surgery went off without a hitch too. I think it’s funny when Doctor’s tell you how great you did during surgery. Like I would know if I was ‘bad’? I mean, I think you are supposed to say ‘thank you’ – but it’s nothing you can control anyway so-what’s the point? What exactly does a bad patient do when they are under the knife- fart????

Anyway, I am astounded by the medical technology these days and the fact that I can have a hysterectomy with 3 tiny scars, some tenderness and be up and walking around that evening. I do have to give good ol’ Pilates some props because without it I doubt I would have recovered so quickly. So, here I am. I have some ‘finishing up’ in the breast area, but the big stuff is over. I made it – now what? Oh, I’ve got some things up my sleeve. If you know me or if you’ve been reading this blog you know that I constantly have something going. I’m teaching again and working on my newest stress management workshop - But there’s a part of me that kinda says “So, that’s it huh? Hmmmm. I looked cancer in the face and kicked it’s ass.” That’s pretty cool.

A Change of Plans. . .

2008-07-02T22:33:00Z

My doctor called me the other day, at home. . . around 7:00 in the evening. . . while she was on vacation. Everything about that scenario made my ears perk up and listen. Doctors rarely make phone calls like that. She started with very basic conversation about the surgery etc. but as the conversation rolled on she strongly recommended I have a full hysterectomy and not just removal of the ovaries. Bummer. She wasn’t making a hasty decision. I mean, we have met twice in her office and she listened to me, understood me and agreed that the removal of the ovaries is the least invasive procedure. So, why the sudden change? As she stated,” I just would hate for something to happen down the road and end up regretting your decision to not have everything removed when you had the chance.”
Uhhhhmmm- YEAH, me too.

I know what happened, where my thinking got screwed up . I went to see some goof ball doctor that looked like he just rolled out of bed and told him I needed a hysterectomy because I have this cancer gene, blah,blah,blah . . . and he said “ Why do you need a full hysterectomy? Why don’t you just have your ovaries removed?? It’s an outpatient procedure, there’s almost no recovery time, it’s very simple.” Bingo!!!! He said exactly what I wanted to hear. I didn’t like him, but I liked what he had to say so when I went to see the new doctor, I said to her “I just need to have my ovaries removed. I really don’t want a full hysterectomy. I need to get back to work, blah blah ( I don’t want to stay in the hospital and I’m scared shitless of what type of pain this might bring me is what I really wanted to say )
She listened and understood but there was apparently a nagging voice in the back of her head that said that wasn’t the best thing to do for me, so she made the call. I’ve learned to trust those gut feelings, even if they aren’t always mine. My ego was telling me ‘just get the ovaries removed’ because I want this whole thing to be SO over already! I don’t want to go to the hospital again. I don’t want any more pain. O.k. and I will admit it, I feel like a money pit. There. I said it. I can’t help it. It’s true. It’s like replacing a new water heater or something. You spend all this money and don’t really get anything fun for it. I know, I know- you say “ Yes, but this could be saving your life!” or “ How do you put a price tag on a life?” But this little cancer gig has cost enough to send both our kids to college – and then some. So, yes, I feel a little guilty and I know I shouldn’t but I just do.

I am also feeling like there is big adventure around the corner. I don’t know what exactly, but I know that I didn’t go through this whole big process not to have something big and wonderful come out of it. I’m at the final stages of this. I’m glad I didn’t take the easy way out with just the ovaries. I feel like I have done all the right things to insure my survival and that’s a good feeling, even if it does take longer to recover.

Happy Birthday To Me!

2008-06-12T23:52:47Z

Monday was my birthday. It was a good day. It’s not a ‘big’ birthday- I’m just turning 27- I mean 37. (Geez, I’m pushing 40!) I don’t do big celebrations on my birthday. I like to do what I want, whatever that may be at that time in my life. This year, it happened to be exercising and spending time with my husband, just enjoying life- enjoying each other. The older I get the more I feel like celebrating my mom on my birthday. After all, she was the one that brought me into the world. At least that’s how I felt when my daughter turned 16 last week. Of course we celebrated her being ‘sweet 16’ but in my own way, I celebrated myself for bringing such a gift to the world. I can’t help it- I think she’s amazing, even in all of her teenage drama.

It’s hard to believe 6 months ago I was smack in the middle of chemotherapy. I expected to have more energy back by now. My joints are achy, my muscles are tired- I’m tired. I suppose all of this cancer business has taken it’s toll. I have to chuckle at my naiveté. I expected to feel bad when I was going through chemo. I wasn’t expecting it to last so long. On the brighter side of things - I finally have some head coverage ! It’s actually pretty nice for the Arizona heat. I said my final good bye to my wig and stored it away with my scarves hoping to never have to wear them again.

On the morning of my birthday I had a dream right before I woke up about working for the American Embassy all over the world consulting on stress management. It was such a great dream. After I woke up a little voice in my head said “ If you can dream it, you can do it.” And then I retorted “ Yeah, but I don’t even know where to start.” And the voice came back and said ‘Bullshit. You know exactly what to do.’ And you know what? It’s true. I don’t believe in ‘wrong’ decisions because I think everything leads you to the exact path you need to go. So worst case scenario, I do something that gets shut down. So what?

The real birthday gift to myself was taking a step in the general direction of making this come true. I figure even if I’m at half way point in my life – I’ve got another 37 years. That’s a lot of time to fulfill a lot of dreams.

PS. As a way of celebrating my birthday week I am offering my “ Tough Girl” tank tops at cost. ( $15.00 per shirt including shipping) The logo reads
“Get Your ‘Tough Girl’ On!” with a black and white picture of the Inner Tough Girl logo. They are screen printed with pink letters – all from the Gap. I only have a few left ( small, medium and large available) so if you or someone you know needs a reminder to ‘stay tough’ let me know . You can pay by PayPal or send a check or money.

I Believe

2008-06-03T04:44:00Z

I believe. I believe in the “Bigger Picture”. I believe in a “Greater Plan”. But even for me sometimes it’s hard to have faith in the Greater Plan when you feel like you keep being tested over and over again.

What do you do when you don’t like what you are looking at?
I’m told you change the way you think about it. There are times when situations arise in life and you think “That really sucks” No matter how you slice it up. My husband tells me ‘Someone’s trying to test your metal’. So, my only choice is to change the way I think about it- roll with the punches.

I won’t go into a big long song and dance about the situation, because quite frankly- I’m tired of myself. Let’s just say - It doesn’t look like I’ll be going back to a full schedule of teaching group Pilates classes anytime soon. The reconstruction phase of my surgery is not going as well as planned. Instead of summer vacation in June I will be getting my ovaries removed with yet another recovery period. My only choice is to change the way I think about the situation.

As life would have it, I was asked to lecture on “Stress for Caregivers” at a hospital in town. I got a good laugh out of this- not because the topic is funny- but because the Universe was letting me be the authority on it! Anyway, I dove in head first with the topic, using all the things I learned in the nutrition seminar and more. What I came up with was a fun, effective workshop encompassing all the things I love to do. I plan to take this workshop and do some corporate work- focusing on ‘stress management‘.

This is where all of you come in! If you work for a company or know of anybody who works for a company that would be interested in ‘stress management’ please let me know. The title of the workshop is called “Lighten Up! Successful Strategies in Stress Management”. Originally, The name was ‘Taming the Stress Monster’ but every time I looked at the picture I felt stressed so I figured I needed to stop focusing on stress and focus on healthy techniques of managing stress. My life got much better.

PS- I am also doing a spin off on this workshop to fit the general public called “Lighten Up! Techniques for Healthy Living.” Let me know if you have any ideas! I am so excited about this! It is so much fun !!!

PPS. I will be posting some of the techniques on my blog so stay tuned!

Bursting

2008-05-22T02:46:00Z

When I was a teenager and construction crews whistled as I walked by I felt grown up. When I got a little older, I thought it was vulgar and disgusting. But today when a trucker guy gave a whistle I felt like Miss America. Apparently bald chicks are sexy to some guys. Who knew?? Maybe they weren’t whistling at me? Whatever. Those were the best 15 minutes of my day.

Last week when I went to see my doctor I thought the ‘filling up’ of my breasts were working – on one side at least. I was a little lopsided but I actually got kind of excited- one side was actually looking normal. What I thought was saline was actually ‘fluid buildup’ Ewwww.
Gross for sure, but not the worst thing that could happen, until yesterday when it shot out like a geyser all over my new shirt. Being the eternal optimist I thought “Oh good- at least the fluid released and both sides look the same!” Not so much. My chest muscle separated and there’s a little piece of it floating around causing all the trouble. I go in for yet another surgery tomorrow to remove the little booger. As if that weren’t enough my car also felt like ‘bursting’. At least it waited until I got home to explode. Green radiator fluid all over the place. I had to laugh at the similarity or else I was going to cry.

The crisis is over and now I have some time to reflect. I usually get to my ‘grateful’ stage – realizing all of this could be much worse and ending with ‘This too shall pass” but I thought it had already ‘passed’. I feel like that person in the movies when they look up into the sky and yell with the camera zooming in on their mouth like a black hole. Maybe I should reread my last entry about everything being ' exactly the way it should be right now' or maybe I should just go to bed.

I Forgot For a Minute

2008-05-05T02:11:00Z

I forgot for a minute that everything is exactly the way it supposed to be at this moment. I forgot for a minute that I am exactly where I need to be. I forgot for a minute, but now I remember. Truth be told, I got the drains out of my sides on Friday and I feel like a new person. I feel like I have the strength inside me to build a new life. It's a small step, but it's a step. I spent a total of 15 minutes on the doctor's office on Friday, but in those 15 minutes, so much happened. I got my confidence back. I wanted to thank my doctor - not just because he took the drains out, but he let me know it was o.k. to grieve, to be sad and only I would know when the right time for my husband to see me would be. I barely know this man, but those few words validated my feelings. It gave me permission to be sad and then get over it.

I wanted to thank my friend Sandy who wrote 'the monkey mind tells us we should 'be this' or 'do that' ' It reminded me that everything is exactly the way it should be right now and just as the ebb and flow of life brought on some seemingly stormy weather - it's just a phase. The only person in charge of turning the tide is me.

A Successful Sugery

2008-04-30T04:13:00Z

Success is such a relative term. What is success to one person is not the same for another. My surgery was a success in that the cancer was removed and that there is a 99% percent chance that it will not come back to the breasts. The pathology report came back and the tumor had clear margins (meaning they got all of it) and only one lymph node was affected so I will not need radiation. As far as surgery goes, mine was successful. I had a follow up visit with the Doctor to take the bandages off on Friday. He was very pleased with the results- I had a slightly different reaction. I think the reality of what has happened finally hit me. Not only did I look like something out of a horror movie- but my husband was going to have to see me this way. Once you look at something like that you can’t ‘unlook’ and even though I know my husband loves me, I realized he might not ever look at me the same way. To top it off, the rest of my eyebrows decided to fall out. I noticed for the first time I look ‘sick’. So, now the hard part comes-it’s time to use all the things I have learned. My walks get a little longer, I will rehabilitate myself using all stretches and exercises I have learned and try not to look in the mirror.

There’s a pep talk dancing around in my head, but it’s like watching someone talk and not being able to hear what they are saying. Things are still very foggy- like the lines between dreaming and reality have been blurred. I have never been through anything like this, so I don’t know really how to feel or when I can expect to be ‘back to myself’ again. This kind of thing changes a person- there really is no ‘going back’. I have good times and bad times ,several times throughout the day. I still have the drains in my chest so I know that once those are removed my recovery will be much quicker.

MY ‘inner tough girl’ has been getting a work out- I just gotta make it through the next few months. . .

PS. I want to thank everyone for all the phone calls, emails and cards etc. when I get my head back together, I will respond to them as quickly as I can.

If I should Die Before I Wake. . .

2008-04-22T03:00:00Z

I pray the Lord my soul to take. That’s it right? That’s the way the childhood prayer goes before you go to bed? For some reason, I can’t think of the rest of it right now. Oddly enough, the prayers of my Catholic youth are also flowing through my head. Hail Mary, full of grace . . . or there is one song that I really used to like- "Peace is flowing like a river, flowing out of you and meeeee"- I haven’t been to a Catholic mass in a long time, but those are the ones I sing when I’m scared. I guess any sane person would be a little scared when facing major surgery. I’ve been doing a pretty good job of distracting myself- but then I get little waves of panic- like “What if?” I don’t feel like my ‘house in in order’ there’s too much I want to do, so much music left in me. I’ve had a wonderful life. Yes, there have been challenges, but overall, I have been so blessed by so many experiences and people I’ve met. I hope that when this mess is finished I can recall the feeling I have right now. One of gratitude and vulnerabilty, one that asks why I EVER picked about such insignificant crap. Because in the end ( and this is no where near the end ) but in the end, it just doesn’t matter. I’ve never felt so scared and so alive at the same time. I guess that’s partly why I am writing this down, because as time goes by the freshness of these feelings wear off and complacency sets in. Life happens, one day leads into the next and before you know it- you find yourself in the same rut.

Then I realized I was all wrong about this- instead of worrying I should party like a rock star- If in fact something should go awry, would I want to spend my time worrying or enjoying life? Pretty simple answer. So, I had a great day today- I did the things I wanted to do and tonight I am having a big fat juicy steak with a glass of the finest red wine and I might even have a chocolate desert. So my dear friends, hopefully I will be blogging from the hospital-but if not then, I will catch up over the weekend. I love and appreciate all of you – you have all been true friends throughout all of this and this blog has helped me in so many ways. Tomorrow I will have to get my ‘tough girl’ on, but or tonight, a glass of wine is calling my name. . .

5 Things I Learned Today

2008-04-17T00:34:00Z

I have spent the last 4 days in a Health Conference with Dr. Weil and his colleagues. I will be posting some of the things I learned over the next few days- enjoy!!

5 Things I learned today-
Today I sat among Doctors, Dietitians, CEO’s and people who are generally interested in health and well being. Maybe it was the air condition but when Dr. Weil spoke, I literally got goose bumps. Not because he was saying something so inspiring ( how inspiring can a lecture on mercury in fish be after all?) but because I knew I was in the right place. I knew I was learning valuable information that would impact me for the rest of my life. Some of the lectures were very scientific and based on a lot of research and data. At times I felt I was in a high school biology class. But, at the end of the day, I came away with a greater understanding of not only the nutritional factor in our personal lives, but what that also looks like on a global scale. These are the top five things I learned today:

High Fructose Corn Syrup is evil – very evil.
According to Dr. Weil , HFCG is mainly responsible for the obesity in America today. It’s sneaky- and it’s in more items than you think. Manufactures put it in everything from catsup to crackers. It’s hard to find a packaged food without HFCS in it. The biggest reason is because it interferes with the insulin levels of the body, therefore very taxing on the liver. Fructose also converts to fat more than any other sugar. Up until the early 1970’s people mainly got sugar from cane sugar or beat sugar until they started using corn. This has also been part of the reason for the corn crop disaster of late.

Fish oil- mainly Omega 3’s are good- very good.
Omega 3’s and fish oils are everywhere you look these days – and with good reason. Joint pain, mood enhancer, immune system, eye health and the biggest of all. . . ANTI INFLAMMATORY -The biggest and most recurring theme of modern day diseases today. Chronic inflammation.

***Inflammation was a recurring theme throughout the whole conference. I believe my breast cancer to be the cause of chronic inflammation throughout my body caused by environmental factors and diet.

So is green tea. . . .
Black tea is good but green tea is even better, or maybe just more studies are being done on green tea vs. black teas. Anyway you slice it , tea is a good thing. Some things green tea is good for:
Cancer prevention
Decreased risk of stroke
Reduced blood pressure
Anti-inflammatory
Help strengthen the body’s immune system
Protect teeth by inhibiting plaque bacteria,
Possibly increase calories burned during everyday activities.
Possibly improve cognitive functions

**** Green tea was also in a separate lecture on breast and lung cancer- more on that later.
*** Green tea was also highlighted in a weight supplement lecture as being one of the only supplements that actually work in some capacity.

Research and studies are subjective and confusing.
You might be confused about this as well. One study finds that drinking alcohol increases the chance of breast cancer, yet another says that drinking wine is actually good for breast cancer. Which is it? In looking at more cases findings, research and studies than I have ever seen in my life in one day, I have found that there are so many variables to consider in studies and research that people and large companies can spin it any way they choose. The media is partly to blame for this. They pick one sentence and make a headline out of it. So when considering these studies, it is important to look at : Who did the study – if the company pays for their own study then they have the ability to spin the results any way they choose, usually making them come out smelling like a rose. 2. For how long was the study? Anything 6 months or less is not enough time to measure adequate change. 3. What were the other variables involved? Did everyone have the same ethnic background? What are the ages? How exactly were their diets modified?
In the end, be wary of claims made by the media. Look further to reputable medical sources that aren’t backed by pharmaceutical companies.

Finally and quite simply -Don’t eat anything that wasn’t around 100 years ago.
The best option is to eat whole foods- This sounds so simple – so why is it so hard? The general rule of thumb is the longer the list of ingredients, the more you should avoid it. For example- Whole, organic yogurt is a whole food- “Gogurt” is not. Organic granola is a whole food- Power Bars are not. Anything more than 8 ingredients should be looked at carefully.

I am looking forward to another day of healthy, alternative nutrition. Until then- eat healthy, be happy. If you have any questions- please ask! I will do my best to answer with what I know.

A little disclaimer here- I am not a doctor. The information I have provided are translations of what I learned from professionals in the nutrition industry. They aren’t claims to ‘cures’ or meant to treat any ailments.

I Wish I Didn't Look-

2008-04-14T02:03:00Z

I wish I didn't look -

God has given me this little gift for dealing with undesirable situations. Some might call it blissful ignorance. I call it healthy denial- is there such a thing as healthy denial? I’m not sure, but in certain times of stress, I feel like an outsider looking in – until something pops me back to reality – which is what happened today.

Up until this point, I have had kind of a ’lassie faire’ attitude about my upcoming surgery. Even talking to the surgeons about it- It just didn’t occur to me the level of deformity that was going to take place. People kept suggesting I take a look at photos of the aftermath of a double mastectomy to soften the shock- I didn’t look up until this point because it didn’t matter. I knew I could do nothing about it and I can’t change what it is, so why cause myself anymore anxiety? I wish I didn’t look.

At some level I think I wanted to pretend I was just getting a modified boob job. . . yeah- not so much. No, these stories and pictures were a harsh reality of what I left in the wake of cancer.

I don’t think I would be human if I wasn’t a little scared , but for as much as possible in the next 10 days I am going to live in my state of denial and stop projecting into the future. I will be knee deep in nutritional facts and organic eating for the next few days with Dr. Weil and friends. That should keep me busy. Wednesday is a full day of nutrition and cancer- I will be reporting back to all of you soon with my new found knowledge-

A Reason To Celebrate!

2008-04-04T18:04:00Z

A Reason to Celebrate!
Every other Thursday for the past 4 months I have had a date at the chemo place. I planned on the weekends to follow to be rather hellish, start to recover by Monday , have a few good days and then continue the cycle. That cycle has officially ended. Yesterday I lounged in bed, took a long walk and visited with my sister. I made a short Tai Chi video to post on my website and took one step closer to my goals. Today I will look forward to getting progressively stronger and teach a Pilates class at The Princess. Slowly but surely I will get my life back or better yet, build a new one with my new found insight. I have 3 more weeks until my surgery – another date I keep marking the days on the calendar- but at least it is 3 weeks of getting better each day. I am taking this time to ‘smarten up’ and obtain my certification in nutrition and lifestyle coaching. God’s good light was shining on me because I was I was accepted for a scholarship for a Nutrition and Wellness Conference with Dr. Weil and many other highly acclaimed Nutritionists. The conference is to be held on the original dates of my surgery . Now I feel silly for questioning the higher plan. I will spend 3 days with Doctors and wellness experts from across the country with a whole day dedicated to nutrition and cancer. I happened to come across this conference on a Dr. Weil’s website. After reading all the literature about the conference I desperately wanted to go, only to find out it was very expensive for someone who’s been out of work for 5 months. In very fine print there was mention of a scholarship for 3 Arizona residents. I sent an email and much to my surprise, I received a call back saying there was one scholarship left. It was my lucky day! You would have though I won the lottery. I am thrilled about this opportunity to learn great things and share it with my clients and all of you! Cheers to a Healthy life!

I met an incredible lady the other day.

2008-03-30T19:41:00Z

Friday was not starting out to be such a great day. I went to the airport to pick up my sister, only to find out that I had the wrong DAY. Yes, I am still amazed how I managed to mix up days, instead of just a time or flight number, but never the less, it happened.

I arrived at the terminal, waiting for all the people to get off the plane and I waited . . .and waited. . .and waited. . . There were lovers reuniting, best friends who had not seen each other in many years, families that were waiting on their dads, but my sister was not on that plane so I gave her call. I was surprised when she answered.
“ Hi! Are you here?” I asked
“No.I’m at work. . . my plane doesn’t come until Monday.” She replied.
My sisters is a prankster so a part of me believed she was pulling a joke – but no, she was serious.
“ Monday????? Are you sure? Oh bummer. . . .” I said.
“ Are you at the airport? “ she asked
“ Yes, I am here waiting FOR YOU!”
“ Well, don’t wait all weekend- you should go home!”

So, I got in the car and ran some errands. First stop was the grocery. I managed to spend my whole weekly budget within the span of 20 minutes . How does this happen??? A.) I hate being on a weekly budget and B.) Why do we need all this food? My family must be pigs. . . oh wait ! I have teenagers , yes, now I remember and a husband that can make an all day affair out of eating. Then there is the fact that I have decided to eat organically, which means eggs are now 5.00 a pop instead of 2.50. I’m not sure what I’m really pissed about – the fact that food is expensive or the fact that my budget is so small- either way, it really ticks me off.
By the time I get home I’m just grouchy. It’s hot, I’m bald and I’m just really tired of this whole cancer thing. The only thing I can do is just sit and think. . . .and think. . . and think. . . I must have spent the next 2 hours trying to come up with ways to get out of this mess- immediately. Big mistake. The more I started thinking, the more I got caught up in the situation. It would have been much better to remove myself from the situation, but I felt paralyzed.

Finally it was time to leave to teach a class at the Princess. I love this class, but even today I was complaining about going – until I got there. The minute I step onto the grounds and smell the aroma of the spa I am reminded how much I love my job and how much I LOVE the spa. It is magical. Suddenly, I am telling this woman how much I love my job and all the things that happened previously in the day seemed to just vanish. I started thinking “ This is so perfect- my perfect scenario will come to me- I am exactly where I need to be right now “ and right then the Director of the Spa came in. Nobody came to my class, so we ended up talking and talking. She is 25 years my senior and yet we had so much in common. She has taught Pilates for over 25 years etc. and is battling cancer – and yet you would never know this unless she told you. She was such an inspiration! This was God’s way of letting me know- “Everything is fine- you are exactly where you need to be and doing exactly what you need to do.”
Within minutes the course of my day was completely changed by a conversation. I was so grateful to this lady and she probably didn’t even realize it! I walked out of the spa with a lighter heart and questioning myself how this ‘shift’ occurred. The truth was- it came down to a shift of thinking. The minute I started talking about how much I loved my job and being at the spa was when I opened the door for this wonderful lady to come in and enlighten me with a conversation. Incredible. I should do that more often.

Surgery Update

2008-03-25T16:45:00Z

I met with my breast surgeon yesterday. He's a nice guy, but I couldn't help feeling like " So, that's it? " I guess I wanted him to say something more about taking both my breasts and having 4 months of reconstruction. But, apparently it is very routine and it's just another day at the office for him. They did set the surgery back a week to April 22nd. I tried to get him to switch it back , but he wouldn't budge. He said " Your body won't start to reproduce good cells and heal itself for a good month after chemo. Why risk infection for the sake of a week?" Oh, well, since you put it like that- I guess you are right.

I will have to stay in the hospital for 2 days ( maybe one and a half) but at least it is my choice to want to go home. I have read that they are sending uninsured pateints home that same day!! Whoa! I can't even imagine that. I am lucky- my mother in law is coming to take care of things for awhile- hope she doesn't mind the teenage drama that is going on around here.

There's a bill called the Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act which will require Insurance Companies to cover a minimum 48-hour hospital stay for patients undergoing a mastectomy. It's about eliminating the 'drive-through mastectomy' where women are forced to go home just a few hours after surgery, against the wishes of their doctor, still groggy from anesthesia and sometimes with drainage tubes still attached.

Lifetime Television has put this bill on their Web page with a petition drive to show your support. Last year over half the House signed on.

PLEASE!! Sign the petition by clicking on the Web site below. You need not give more than your name and zip code number.

http://www.lifetimetv.com/breastcancer/petition/signpetition.php www.lifetimetv.com>

face=Tahoma>This takes about 2 seconds. PLEASE PASS THIS ON to your friends and family, and on behalf of all women, THANKS.

As for me, I figure I have a month to get my upper body and chest in the best shape of my life. The stronger I am going into this,the quicker I will recover, so that really is my first priority. I also have some time to really map out my plan for how I want to share my experience with other women. I entered a contest to be a spokesperson for UnderArmor. I would love a gig like that! Nike wouldn't be bad either- in fact, I would even consider Reebok- Guess I beter get training!

The Cool Thing About Cancer-

2008-03-24T02:31:00Z

The cool thing about cancer-
Wait- did I just say that? Are there cool things about cancer? I never thought I would hear myself say that- but I have to admit, there are some really great experiences that I have had during the last few months that I doubt I would have had otherwise. For example, a friend of mine just travelled all the way across the country to spend a few days with me. We saw movies, got pedicures, went to the spa and for a few short days I forgot about this whole cancer mess. It was the greatest gift I could imagine. Or like when my mom came for a visit and totally took care of me. She cooked. . . and cooked. . . and cooked some more. We played cards and went for walks. She allowed me to be sick when I needed to be and it was a comfort knowing I didn’t have to pretend to be happy when I felt like crap. You’re never too old to miss your mom. In a week or so my sister will come for a visit. I can’t remember the last time she and I spent time alone together. What a blessing.

Somehow my cancer took on new meaning to the word ‘friendship’. It has taken my relationships to a new level. I’ve rekindled some relationships and even started new ones – I’ve even made amends to people I may have wronged along the way. All things I wish I would have done sooner. Either way, I got the lesson when I suppose I was ready for it.

I know I’m getting ahead of myself a little, I mean I’m not really out of the woods just yet, but I’ve made it so far. Thursday was my last chemo treatment and even as the chemo aliens are invading my body for one last time, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The other day, I found a journal I kept from 15 years ago. It was during a particularly hard time in my life. I didn’t know how I was going to get out of the situation, but I kept reminding myself that God had a better plan for me, I just couldn’t see it right then. Boy, was I right. God did have a much better plan for me, one I could not have imagined on my own and that’s kind of how I feel about things now. I’ve made it around the bend and things are starting to look up.

PS. I really need to mention that I could not have made it even this far without all of your prayers and support. Each and every one of you who have read this blog has helped me carry this burden in some way and I sincerely thank you! Happy Easter!

Some Very Good Things

2008-03-05T16:58:00Z

Just thought I would pass these things on to you ! Be inspired!!!

The author of the documentary and book " Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips " Kris Carr has developed a community forum. It is really full of inspiring people with cancer who are not letting cancer take over their lives. The women have all different stages, types of cancer. The site is very informative about healthy eating, do and don'ts and suportive conversations. Check it out! If you sign up , I am 'Pilates Girl' on the site-
http://my.crazysexylife.com

Also, some of you may have missed this but Deepak Chopra is on PBS.
Happiness Prescription With Deepak Chopra: Modern Insights From Buddha's Wisdom
Using the teachings of Buddha as a starting point, Deepak Chopra explains the 10 keys for achieving a happy, fulfilled life. Included: Buddha's Four Noble Truths; the Eightfold Path to Enlightenment.
You have to search http://pbs.org
under 'search programs' and find your local listing. In Az it's not until March 14th- but others will differ. I thought it would be better than watching another episode of " American Idol"

I also came across Hay House radio - that was pretty good too. I like to listen to music, talk shows on my computer while I'm working in my office, but the trick is to find something healthy for my ears to listen to!
Hay House has all the great inspirational speakers like Wayne Dyer, Mianne Williamson, etc.
You have to signup, but it's free.
http://www.hayhouseradio.com/

A Very Good Day

2008-03-05T16:24:00Z

Having cancer is especially hard for people who like to plan things. You are at the mercy of doctors, appointment schedulers and others beyond your control. Since you are never sure how your body will react to things, it makes especially difficult to plan. BUT, today- yes today was a very good day. Since I am almost finished with my chemo I am able to schedule my surgery for a bilateral mastectomy. I met with the plastic surgeon and I have the official date set for April 15th assuming everything else goes as planned. Apparently, the whole process takes 4- 5 months to complete. I was a little disappointed that the entire process was going to take so long, but, it is what it is- I just feel lucky to move on with things. At the time of the mastectomy they will insert ‘expanders’ and then I will go back every week or so to ‘fill them up’ until they are the appropriate size. Maybe it will be a little less since I’m not replacing Dolly Parton’s – The doctor was very funny, he said “ I do have to warn you, your breasts will be bigger than they are now” “ Not a problem!” I said “I should be able to get something out of his whole deal, don’t ya think?” So, any of you who have had expanders in please write to me and tell me your experience. I am interested to know if and how they will affect my range of motion. The doctor said to plan on being off work and I said " Yes, but you don't know me - I really need to go back to work"

There is even more good news! I talked to the oncologist and she said I might not even need radiation. We won’t find out until after surgery how many lymph nodes were affected and that is the deciding factor, but just the thought that I wouldn’t need radiation is such a tremendous relief.

Thursday is treatment number 7. I’m trying not to think about it today. I am hoping to keep my ‘good thoughts’ as long as possible. My last treatment is on the first day of Spring. How fitting! The start of a new chapter in life.

It's Hard to Believe. . .

2008-02-20T01:32:00Z

The days before my treatments are always some of the best –that’s why it’s hard to believe that by Saturday I will feel like crawling into a cave and hiding. It’s even more strange to know this is going to happen. I try not to think about it- but it creeps up in the back of my mind. I get all the things I need to get done, I work out the hardest and strongest and then it’s back to square one. Oh well- so it goes.

I feel lucky in so many ways. The other day I got an email about a lady who had a brain tumor and sole custody of her eight year old son. It’s not hard to look around and find someone worse off than myself. In the scope of things, I got off pretty lucky. On days like today if I don’t glance in the mirror, I might even pretend I don’t even have cancer at all. I guess because in the back of my mind I know I’ll be healthy again. I know all of this is just a stage in life with lessons to learn along the way.

I am grateful for my husband. He insists I look like Demi Moore when she shaved her head for the movie GI Jane. The other day we were in the car at a stoplight and I had a hot flash. My wig became extremely uncomfortable. He took one look at me and said “Just take it off!” and so I did. The lady next to us was a little shocked so Matt puts the wig on and gives it a shake. We were all cracking up- including the lady in the car beside us.

I think about the ‘before cancer days’ when I complained about feeling tired or about all the things I ‘had’ to get done. I hope I remember the good parts about this time in my life- like how good it feels just to feel like myself.

In a few days I will feel like a monster has invaded my body- but for today, it feels good just to be me.