Time
For the majority of my life I have thought if you believed in something strong enough it would be that way. Now, I am at a point in my life where all levels of my belief systems are being challenged. When I was sick I never questioned 'why me?' I figured there was a better plan for me. Something to be learned. That there was a purpose for what was happening.
My cousin, who was diagnosed at the same age as myself passed away a few weeks ago. Her cancer was in remission for several years, but came back in the bones and liver. Like my aunt that passed away, she is far too young to leave this world and yet, I have to wonder if the same will happen to me. The similarities are uncanny - All of us were diagnosed at the same age. Same type of cancer, in the same place. I know I know this doesn't have to be my destiny - but the thought has crossed my mind. . . and I think of the time we are given here on this planet.
In the scope of things, it has not been that long since I just finished with my treatments and with the surgeries. There is a certain amount of post traumatic syndrome with all of this. Every ache or pain comes with the fear that it might have come back. On most days there is a chronic pain throughout my entire body. With that usually comes waves of exhaustion and then panic of what might be happening. My recent CT scans were all positive. The spots on my lungs are stable and no new signs of cancer anywhere else. And I am trying really hard to be as 'normal' as possible, but still just kind of holding my breath. I want someone to say 'you will never have to worry about this the rest of your life' but no one can really do that. What if my time is up?
I clearly remember sitting with Matt in the oncologist office for the first time. We were laughing and he was teasing me and the doctor came in and said "I certainly don't like what I am going to have to do to you" and I didn't understand. I didn't understand physically or emotionally how this was going to change me. I think because cancer is so common now people treat it like it's getting the flu or something. But just because it is more common doesn't mean it is an easy thing to go through. Not in the least. I have a very good survival mechanism that has been a pattern all my life. Meaning, I am pretty good in a crisis, but it's the aftermath when I start to come unglued. So, people often ask me " So, how are you doing- everything is good? and I smile and say 'Yeah,yeah everything is good." But what I really want to say is " Hell no! Everything is not o.k. - I feel like a maniac most days and I am afraid of dying almost on a daily basis" but that's probably not the most appropriate response and you know what? Quite frankly, people don't really want to hear that. So, almost like the hurt feelings of a bad break up, I am hoping this feeling goes away too. . . it just takes time.
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: post cancer after effects breast cancer blog
Oh Ang...what a strong person you are. You amaze me...you really do and for the record you can ALWAYS tell me how you really feel when I ask how you are
Reply to this
Honestly, I am not doing anything anybody else wouldn't do if they were in the same situation. Everyone has their own 'issues' to deal with- but THANK YOU! I will take the compliment graciously. I know that I can always tell my 'real' friends and family how I am - it's just the casual acquaintances people. You know, like when you ask someone " How's you day ?" and they go into this big story and you're like " Wow. . .that was TMI"
It does get better each day . . . it's that whole patience thing- I'm not very good at it!
Reply to this
Angella, I am so sorry about the death of your cousin. I am so glad you shared this and we want you to know we are praying for you at least two times a day. Katrina and I always pray for you during her bedtime prayers and Chris and I always pray for you in our evening prayers. Also, most of my friends I asked to pray for you are still praying including our church.
Additionally, whenever someone asks Katrina if she has any prayer requests, she always asks for whoever it is to pray for you. This is all to say, you are not alone in this battle.
I also want to admit I have no idea how you must feel on the one hand, but I have walked through cancer with many friends and I can say that one of the hardest things for many of them has been to lose a loved one to cancer after you have been through all the treatment and been claimed cancer-free by the doctors. Some feel scared it may return and others feel a sense of guilt that they are still healthy. I am sorry about some of the daily aches and pains you have, and it may be a lot of that is the hormone loss after your hysterectomy. We will pray specifically about that.
In addition to all these things, I want to share a couple of things that have helped some of the people who I have worked with who faced long term illness. One of the best strategies I had ever heard of that really worked for people I shared it with was to take favorite encouraging quotes and make signs out of them and put them all around your house where you will see them. Discouraging thoughts must be pushed out by positive thoughts. One thought that I just recently though was really good was as follows: "If you look at your problem through the eyes of faith in our Great God and His power,
no mountain is too difficult to climb."
(The flip side is that if you look through the eyes of doubt, you will feel like a grasshopper and the mountain may seem impossible.) This is not really an exact quote, but a summary of a talk I heard.
A few more are as follows:
"God is my Refuge and Strength, my Ever-present Help, therefore I will not fear." Psalm 46:1,2 The Bible
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and thanksgiving,
present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6,7 The Bible
These are just some examples of some I know have helped people.
Also, when you don't know how to pray,
sometimes you can just say the Lord's Prayer (also known as the Our Father).
Finally, another idea that has helped some of my friends is to keep a journal of things you are thankful for each day.
This is a similar "trick" or remedy of sorts for discouraging thoughts. The more you are able to think of positive things, the less room there is for the doubts and fears. I don't want to offer a quick fix, just a few ideas that have worked for others I know who have struggled.
Reply to this
Penelope,
Thank you on many different levels. When I wrote about my core beliefs being challenged, part of it meant that al the things I have known to do i.e. positive affirmations, eating healthy ,exercise and praying just don't seem to cut it on some days and that's the hard part. So, some days I feel like- how can I stand in front of people and talk about how all things things are 'good' when you do all those things and still feel bad? I guess I have just been reminded that some things don't make any rational sense. I can only keep on doing all I can and feel good about doing it. It's kind of like giving a gift. You should always do it because you want to and because it makes you feel good and not because you expect anything in return. I will continue to do what I feel are the 'right' things and expect nothing in return. Life doesn't owe me anything. - Which is kind of how I began to feel after I 'made it through'. I almost felt like life owed me this big happy ending because I survived cancer. . . guess I forgot that living WAS the gift.
Reply to this
Ang,
Yep. that "time" word is such a major
importance in our lives. I hate it, when
someone replies with " it just takes time" or
"time take time". I know it is so true
but hate hearing it. I think it's the impatience I have with the whole thing.
We (family) all grew so much throughout
this year with your cancer. For me, I
had to hold onto the fact that on a daily basis, just for today, my Angie
will be ok.
I really signed onto your site to forward it to one of my friends and found
this new blog. why didn't receive it?
I am so proud of you.
Love, mom
Reply to this
Well, that sucks.
Reply to this
That is really not all I had to say, but it was the first thing that came to my mind. The second thing that comes to mind is I totally understand about the so called aftermath. What I went through is nothing in comparison to what you had to deal with , but I do have that same feeling of "Oh my God, what if..." with every headache I get, or when my face flares up and burns, or my ears ring, or the hundred other things that go on that reminds me of what if the tumor is growing. Yes, it is a scary thing, and with the exception of the head aches, these things happen every single day, and I can tell you that TIME is exactly what you need. My feelings are still there but with time, they have lessoned in serverity, they are but passing thoughts now and I have trained myself to deny those feelings the power they need to drive me nutso. You too will get that with time. So dear sister, your title was a perfect one, it is the medicine that you need and get more of every day.
I love you bunches and one last thing, don't be afraid or too polite to tell people that today is not such a good day, we are grown ups, we can handle it. Not to say that you have to live in "negative world" but it might feel good to get it off your chest every now and again
Gina (hows that for sisterly advise)
Reply to this
That's wonderful sisterly advise. And just because it's not cancer doesn't mean it is 'nothing compared to. . .' The more people share their stories with me I just realize that everyone has some burden to bear in their lives. The feelings that surround the situations are the same. It's just uncomfortable- it's an uncomfortable yucky feeling.
Reply to this
Yeah, well it could always be worse, you could have that uncomfortable, yucky feeling while sitting in a classroom, back in the corner, totally surrounded by a 10 year old kid who KEEPS FARTING! ahhhhhhh
Love you
Gina
Reply to this