I wish I didn't look -

God has given me this little gift for dealing with undesirable situations.  Some might call it blissful ignorance.  I call it healthy denial- is there such a thing as healthy denial?  I’m not sure, but in certain times of stress, I feel like an outsider looking in – until something pops me back to reality – which is what happened today.

Up until this point, I have had kind of a ’lassie faire’ attitude about my upcoming surgery.  Even talking to the surgeons about it- It just didn’t occur to me the level of deformity that was going to take place.  People kept suggesting I take a look at photos of the aftermath of a double mastectomy to soften the shock-  I didn’t look up until this point because it didn’t matter.  I knew I could do nothing about it and I can’t change what it is, so why cause myself anymore anxiety? I wish I didn’t look.

At some level I think I wanted to pretend I was just getting a modified boob job. . . yeah- not so much.  No, these stories and pictures were a harsh reality of what I left in the wake of cancer. 

I don’t think I would be human if I wasn’t a little scared , but for as much as possible in the next 10 days I am going to live in my state of denial and stop projecting into the future.  I will be knee deep in nutritional facts and organic eating for the next few days with Dr. Weil and friends.  That should keep me busy.  Wednesday is a full day of nutrition and cancer- I will be reporting back to all of you soon with my new found knowledge-