It's Hard to Believe. . .
The days before my treatments are always some of the best –that’s why it’s hard to believe that by Saturday I will feel like crawling into a cave and hiding. It’s even more strange to know this is going to happen. I try not to think about it- but it creeps up in the back of my mind. I get all the things I need to get done, I work out the hardest and strongest and then it’s back to square one. Oh well- so it goes.
I feel lucky in so many ways. The other day I got an email about a lady who had a brain tumor and sole custody of her eight year old son. It’s not hard to look around and find someone worse off than myself. In the scope of things, I got off pretty lucky. On days like today if I don’t glance in the mirror, I might even pretend I don’t even have cancer at all. I guess because in the back of my mind I know I’ll be healthy again. I know all of this is just a stage in life with lessons to learn along the way.
I am grateful for my husband. He insists I look like Demi Moore when she shaved her head for the movie GI Jane. The other day we were in the car at a stoplight and I had a hot flash. My wig became extremely uncomfortable. He took one look at me and said “Just take it off!” and so I did. The lady next to us was a little shocked so Matt puts the wig on and gives it a shake. We were all cracking up- including the lady in the car beside us.
I think about the ‘before cancer days’ when I complained about feeling tired or about all the things I ‘had’ to get done. I hope I remember the good parts about this time in my life- like how good it feels just to feel like myself.
In a few days I will feel like a monster has invaded my body- but for today, it feels good just to be me.
Angella, It's hard for me to believe that it is time for you to have your treatment again. I just saw you before the last one. I was telling Dara about you the other day. I went to visit her in the hospital and she has long blonde hair. She wasn't happy about the prospect of losing her hair if she were to have chemo. I told her how terrific you had looked in your colorful scarf and I really couldn't tell that you were "sick." You sure didn't look sick to me! Stay strong, my friend, you are an inspiration in so many ways.
XXOO, Wendy
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Wendy,
Please tell Dara about Kris Carr's website Crazy Sexy Cancer I'm serious when I say it was one of the defining moments of my cancer when I realized that people lived with, survive and still kick ass during cancer- I will continue to keep her in my prayers- She's lucky to have you! and so am I. . .
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Ang,
Yes, you are lucky in many ways, be grateful you are not in 9 degree snowy
weather. Tonight I talked with Suzie,
my friend w/ lung cancer and it is hard for her to go outside (cold air hurts
her lungs). She, like you has a great outlook with this although trying very hard just to stay in the day with it, trying not to project the fears of the future. She said she saw your Nana today
in her yard. A red bird was sitting in her tree. ( I had told her once how I saw the same red bird, day after day and said it was my Mom watching over me.
Just like her spirit is watching over you
Love ya,
Mom
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Hi Angella,
I loved this entry. I especially loved hearing about your experience in the car with Matt. I am so excited about it, because it shows me God is helping all of you to have a positive outlook, which we have been praying for. You are an inspiration to me and I am sure to many.
Love,
Penelope
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Hi Angellah,
How are you doing? I was thinking of you this morning. You gotta be in the thick of it right now with chemo. The last few weeks were the hardest for me but you're almost there. Just keep being the tough girl that you are.
You will be amazed at how fast you recover from it all. Yesterday I biked 20 miles through the mountains. People comment on my curly hair and glowing skin. It amazes me. If they only knew what my poor body has been through in the last year. Try to stay as healthy and active as possible. It sounds like you are doing great. I don't know if you have to have radiation or not but it's a day at the beach compared to chemo. At least it was for me. Hang in there girl!!!
Lisa
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Congrats on the bike ride!! That's awesome- You are right about being right in the middle of things. I'm so close - just 2 more treatments. I had a small meltdown the other day when I thought about going back on Thursday- The first few treatments I could get by and I was fine the day of the actual treatment, but the Taxol treatments make me feel awful the entire time. I am surprised when I do bounce back ( usually after the 4-5th day) that feel pretty close to normal. -whatever noraml is-
I know what you mean about staying/eating healthy. My mom came for a visit and it was wonderful. But when she was here my eating habits changed a bit - just enjoying more 'treats' and one night after a brownie and whipped cream snack I was so sick that it dawned on me - I just can't eat those things anymore. It was so good eating it- but I was sick the whole night-
Anyway, I thought about you too the other day when I was thinking about my hair coming back in- when it goes through the ugly stuble phase I want to die it blonde - but, we'll see.
Keep Climbing Those Mountains!
Angella
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Hey Angellah,
You gotta go to crazysexylife.com It Rocks!!!!!! Hope your doing O.K.
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Yes! Awesome- thanks for the link! I didn't realize they had that kind of forum there.
The correct link is my.crazysexylife.com Anyone who is dealing with cancer should go immediatley and signup. So, so many health tips and good info on that site. In fact, I just came across a thing on Deepak Chopra on Tuesday night March 4th "The Happiness Prescription with Deepak Chopra, keys to a happy and fulfilling life!" - I am going now to see if I can record it!
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