Half Way There-
I haven’t felt much like writing lately – a little uninspired I suppose. I am half way through this mess as far as the chemo goes. Each time the side effects are a little worse and last longer. I hear people say how they are disappointed in their bodies, how their bodies let them down, I guess I’m more disappointed in my thoughts. It is really so hard to steer thoughts in the right direction when you feel like crap all the time. I was thinking the other day- “I think this is one of those times in life when you look back on it and wonder how you ever made it through.” This too shall pass, but not soon enough.
The next four treatments are a drug called Taxol. Suddenly, I am afraid of how I will feel. Apparently there is more bone pain and the fatigue is worse ( crap- it gets worse???) oh and the hair loss gets worse ( PLEASE let me keep my eyebrows!!!!) God, I never thought I would hear myself say that- I have been waxing them off for so many years and now I desperately want to keep them.
I spent the week at home with sick kids – so maybe that’s part of the reason for the gloom outlook. I was happy I could take care of them . It felt good to ‘mother’ them a little. I realized there would be a time (probably sooner than later) where I won’t get the chance to take care of them – I suddenly wanted to do everything for them. My daughter thought it was annoying, but my son took it to full advantage. Luckily, it looks like I have escaped the nasty virus that was going around.
I am really so grateful for the sunshine. I have had to literally drag my fanny around the block , but I always manage to think to myself “ I should’ve done this sooner” I am always amazed at what something so simple like walking can do for your outlook – not to mention your body.
Speaking of bodies, I am working on my new foundation ‘Strong Body, Strong Mind’ which is a non profit organization that trains breast cancer patients and Survivors. I have my first client – now I need to get through the filing process to make it an official 501 c 3 non profit so big companies can donate and make it tax deductible. Anyone know how to write grant applications? More on that later.
I hope everyone is managing the winter blahs- I realized when I heard of some nasty weather that I’m not the only one feeling ‘yucky’- Sending you all a little Sunshine your way!
Thanks for the update. Hope your next 4 treatments will not be as bad as you anticipate. Just remember that we are all sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
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Hi Angella,
I have wondered how you were this week.
I wanted to comment that you are blessed to have the sunshine. Since I had the baby in the winter and was not out much for almost two months, I decided since I had received actually two snow suits as gifts for Hannah, that I was going to take her out for walks in the stroller if it was above 20 and not icy or snowy. I have felt 100% better. I was getting a bit depressed before that.
I feel so blessed, because Katrina never had those snow suits and it was something I would not have bought myself, but God knew what I needed.
I have been trying to thank God every day for something and this helps me.
I also thank God that Katrina likes cold weather and she will go on walks with me and does not seem to resent Hannah being in the stroller.
This reminds me of another thing you said, which is that you won't have a chance the "mother" your kids for too much longer. I still can't believe how fast it has gone since Katrina was Hannah's age. Katrina loves to pray and we pray for you every night.
Love you all,
Penelope
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Penelope,
You get extra credit for getting out in the cold. It was chilly out the other day and I opted to go to the gym instead , but I remember how hard it was with 2 little ones. It really is a challenge in the winter. Just a few more months. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.
Thanks for al the love and prayers
Angella
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Nice to read on the blog again. I've missed it
but I compleletly understand about
not wanting to write. I tellyou what,
when I come out, I will drag your fanny
around the block....ok?
Love you , Mom
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Hi, Angellah. Our thoughts and prayers go with you. Thank you for the update on your process. Light and Love, Sandy & Wes
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Hi Angellah,
You will come out on the other side of this smiling, laughing and grateful for everyday you don't have to walk around feeling like you have the mother of all hangovers. Your hair will grow back and you will feel a surge of joy every time you touch it. Th cloud will lift.
You get all this pressure from people to have a good attitude but I don't know any one who's gone through cancer that hasn't felt down and depressed at some point. You just hang in there and keep walking.
Yesterday I had an appointment with my oncologist to talk about what happens now that I'm done with therapy. It was actually a "happy" trip to the cancer center. Everyone was full of hugs and excitement over my new short champagne colored hair. I left there feeling like the future holds so much promise. There are so many things I want to do I don't know where to begin. That day is coming for you too. It will be here before you know it . Hang in there tough girl.
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Lisa,
That's funny about the hangover thing- that's EXACTLY what it feels like. I never thought of that, but that's what it is! Yesterday , I did feel like the sick cloud in our house lifted. I had a really great day. It seems to go in spurts.
Wow- so what DOES happen after therapy??That's such an exciting feeling- like a new lease on life. I am happy and excited for you. Please keep me posted on what you have decided to do with your new life. I think some people go through cancer and then go right back to the same life they had before- I can't imagine anything will be the same. In a good way - when all of this is through. I was dreaming about going to Italy towards the end of the Summer- that would be a nice thing to look forward to. After all the Doctor's bills are paid and I'm back to work. I think this time I am going to request much more money.
Thanks for dropping in- I always love to hear updates on how you are doing!
Angella
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Angellah,
When they gave me the stage IV death sentence last summer my whole world changed forever. After a week of laying in my bed crying I rounded up my dogs and went hiking. I cried all the way up the mountain and when I got to the top I had what I guess most people would call a "spiritual experience". I won't go in to all the details but by the time I headed down the mountain my fear was gone and I knew deep in my soul I was going to be hanging around on this planet for awhile longer. That same week I had a PET scan and they couldn't find any active cells.
I have never been a spiritual person. I always thought yoga and meditation would be cool but I usually ended up smoking marlboro mediums and drinkin' margaritas on my front porch with my dogs.
I feel like I lost a boob but gained a soul. I still don't fully get the whole spirituality thing. I know that it is the most important thing that has ever happened to me. I read a zillion books in the last eight months and my energy healer,Elizabeth, has become the most important person in my life.
I was halfway through nursing school when I found out I had cancer. I think I'm going to go back in the fall and get into integrative cancer care. I'm trying real hard to get out of the way and let my heart guide me.
Right now I'm spending as much time as I can at Mt. Baker with my boys. We all need some time to heal. I'm going to take them to the big "D " sometime in March. We've never been there and al kids need to see the mouse. As a single mom it's always been hard to come up with the money or the time. Well the time is now and that's what credit cards are for right??? My youngest son Ike and I are going to Newport beach to see the Sea lions in April and I might go visit some friends in Hawaii in May. I'm trying real hard to be in each moment while making plans for the future. My heart is opening and the fear is fading. You are going to be right here with me before you know it.
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I think everyone remembers the big " D" day- it's such a turning point. Stage iv would be pretty scary- yet here you are left with some purpose in this life. I remember Kris Carr saying " Cancer is not a gift- it is not something I would give to anyone, especially someone I love and care about. " I think that's true. I don't think it's a gift, but there are certain lessons we can take away from having the big "C" that maybe we wouldn't learn any other way.
When I had the first scare last year with just the lump, but no cancer, I made certain promises to myself. We took awesome vacations that year, I did more things that I really wanted to do- I stop waiting until 'one day' and just when I seemed to fall back into the same old rut of living was when my diagnosis came. Honestly, it was like God was trying to wake me up and I just fell back asleep.
Maybe your whole cancer situation was so that you went back to nursing school and helped someone ( or many people ) with cancer with having the knowlege of what it is actuallly like. Or maybe not, but I like to think of things that way- it's one of the way I make sense out of this crazy, crazy world.
You should go with your kids to as many places as you can- you truly never know when, if ever you will be able to do it again. You will find a way to pay off a credit card- one thing I have also learned along the way is that debt is a serious self esteem buster. No one is empowered if they aren't empowered over their money.
Anyway, I love to hear your progress and stories- so keep checking in and reminding me I am almost there-
Cheers to the margarita ( but no marlboros!)
Angella
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