Losing My Hair - Losing My Mind
I spent most of Sunday on an emotional rollercoaster. It was as if I could feel the chemicalization process throughout my body. I couldn’t focus. I have packed for 3 day trips hundreds of times. But, I couldn’t think of what to bring to Las Vegas. I was nauseated to the point of shaking, my hair was falling out by the handfuls and I was exhausted. What was I thinking going to Las Vegas for the busiest, craziest night of the year? I must be insane, but then I remembered. I have a husband who just opened a restaurant in a major casino and come hell or high water I was going to ring in the New Year right next to him. Just get me on the plane.
I decided to debut my wig. I like the style of my wig. I really do- it’s cute. But, my God. It felt like a mushroom on top of my head. Plus, it’s itchy and it came slightly off by the time I got to the airport. What a disaster. I was actually looking forward to shaving my head – or so I thought.
I had big visions of shaving my head. I wanted to document it on video and take pictures. My husband would do the honors and my daughter would do the video and take a few snapshots. There would be a few tears , but mostly it would be a happy occasion.
Here’s how it really happened: I woke up early eager to get the deed done- waiting patiently for my husband to wake up so he could do it before he left for work. Standing in his underwear, he fumbled with the hair clippers. Guess there would be no video. Frustrated with the fumbling and a little nervous now because he didn’t seem so sure of what to do, I decide to try it myself. I place the clippers up to my head and make a full sweep. It gets jammed and comes to a halt. Super. Now I have a stripe in the middle of my head and no working clippers to fix it. I couldn’t take it anymore. I just started pulling handfuls of hair from my head. It didn’t hurt, but it must have looked dramatic because my husband got really upset. “ Just stop! Wait until we get the clippers going again!” Then I got mad “ Why are you yelling at me when I am the one losing my hair?” Wow. Not at all like I planned. A few hours- ( yes, I said hours) later I had what looked like one of those baby monkey heads- little tufts of hair that didn’t want to let go. No “Bald is Beautiful” here- this was downright ugly. I should’ve went to Super Cuts.
We are getting ready to head out for the evening in a little bit. I decided to wear the mushroom cap again tonight- my daughter keeps insisting it looks great. I have a feeling she’s right - if only I could feel it on the inside. Time to toughen up-
Oh Angella, you made me laugh out loud! The whole thing was so visual for me-the stripe and the tufts. You will write a book when you are finished with this. We can only hope. I can't wait to read it. So sorry it was so dramatic/traumatic, but I hope that you are now looking back and laughing.
My friend who had cancer would never wear her wig and it was so cute. She hated it. It was hot and itchy. You are not alone in this feeling although she never described it as a mushroom. I can just picture you with a big portobello on your head!!!!
So, how is the restaurant??? After all, isn't that why you went?
Happy New Year! XXOO, Wendy
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I know - it was rather comical if you could take yourself out of the situation. I laughed when I wrote about it too- better laugh than cry,eh? I crack jokes about my wig all the time. When I get home I will post a picture of the mushroom head and you can tell me which one looks better- scarf or the mushroom.
PS. The restaurant is great - very ,very good bbq- but not much on the menu as far as 'healthy eating' I feel fat and happy I can go back to Phoenix and eat healthy again.
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OH MY GOSH !!!! While reading this, I felt like I was standing in the back ground watching. I can just see it all now. Actually, feeling alittle sorry for Matt, I'm sure he was somewhat nervous. (sorry Ang.) I know that Chelsea is absolutely right on this one,
I'll bet you look beautiful. In time you will feel that, you'll see.
I love you,
Mom
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I know- I felt sorry for him too and as I just thought about it, had to chuckle a little. Poor guy. He was really cute after the whole thing was over he looked at me and said " Look Babe! We're twins! " He teased me and joked in his own way and I got more compliments over the course of one weekend than I have for the entire year.
I was surprised at the kid's reaction - or lack of I guess. They were both still in their beds when all of this was going on and all Brandon said when he got up was " Had a little arguement, huh? " I asked him when we went out if I should wear the wig or the scarf and he studied me for a minute and he said "Which one do you feel more comfortable in?" and I told him the scarf and he said " Well, then that's the one you should wear!" I said " I won't embarrass you? Because I can wear the wig if you want." and he shrugged and said " Doesn't bother me." I hope he was telling the truth. He's a very cool kid for being 12.
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Hang in there tough girl. I also had breast cancer. I went through six months of chemo and have moved on to the joys of radiation. I had really long thick hair too. It used to be blonde but it's growing back in gray and curly. Oh well, that's why they make hair color right?
I think losing your hair is one of the hardest parts of having cancer. I tried wearing wigs but I never felt comfortable. I wore scarves instead. Everyone said I looked great but I know what you mean about not feeling it on the inside.
I hope you had a great time on New Years. You will get through this. We both will.
P.S. Try accupucture for your nausea. Chemo made me feel like I taken some bad pshychedelic mushrooms and accupucture saved my butt.
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Yeah, it was definately one of those moments when I was like " Oh, my God- I have cancer - there is no getting out of this. " I ended up wearing a scarf on New Years - I needed to be comfortable more than anything else. Actually, the good thing is that we are in Vegas - where anything goes, so it's not a big deal. I wore a blue beauiful scarf and we went the the "Blue Man Group" I think people thought I was dressing for the show!!!
Anyway, 6 months is a long time- I'm sure radiation is a relief after chemo. Let me know if you have any good tips on getting through radiation. I get to have that too. I have heard about the curly hair - I wonder why that is?
Do you know what else is a bummer??? I have no hair on my head - but I still have to shave my legs!!!! That's double whammy.
I am going to try some accupunture. They have it for free through the Piper Center- I am open to anything that makes me feel somewhat normal.
Thanks for writing- please stop back and comment and share as much as you like!
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I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that this is YOU going through this, Angella. I read these posts and I'm crying - and then I'm laughing - and then I'm crying again. I can't stand that you're going through all of this. I KNOW you're going to get through this with a clean bill of health, and I KNOW there's a reason, blah blah blah. I'm just stuck in the pissed off phase right now.
I'm well known for taking on the emotions of (and for) people around me, so if you get tired of crying, just call me. And you KNOW how I love to say I'm going to kick someone's ass.... so just give me a reason to haul off on someone.
You are my soul sister -- you were from the moment I met you. I love you with all my heart - and I'll be inspirational and helpful, too - but right now I can't stop crying....
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I know. . . and it's o.k. I read today that cancer happens to everyone around the patient and it's true. It brings up so many different emotions. I wish I could say something really great right now. I guess I could pretend to be inspired and happy about all of it right now, but as I just glanced in the window and saw my completely naked head I thought " This is really f***** up"
But- for the most part I had a pretty good day today and tomorrow is a brand new day. I get to teach a Pilates class and figure out how to start a non profit organization. That should keep me busy! Oh and finish my 'thank you cards' ( I'm a little behind)
So, my dear, you can be pissed off, just don't stay there too long- it's not fun and it's not very healthy either! Love you!!!!
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Oh Angella, I'm so sorry this didn't go as planned. I just think you're incredibly brave and an exceptional woman. You really do inspire me. I hope today is a much better day for you and that you grow accustomed to your cute wig. I'd love to see a photo!
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I'm so glad you've been able to go to Whistler with your family, as well as Las Vegas. You are such a good writer. Even when the subject matter isn't exactly cheery, you bring us along with you and that's wonderful. I can't tell you how happy and surprised I was when you came to "sub" at Pilates. If I didn't know, and you hadn't worn that cute cap, I'd never guess you were still in chemo. (I'm sure you hate that cap and will never wear it again, but it really was a cute look.) Hope to see you again when you can, and meanwhile just know I'm thinking of you. Thanks, too, for the suggestions of what to say/do because lately it seems like that breast cancer diagnosis is popping up way too often among people I know.
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Yes, teaching that class was one of the best feelings I've had for awhile. I hope I can keep it up throughout the rest of my treatment. I really miss teaching.
Unfortunately, it is 'popping up' way too often. I have to believe there are environmental factors that are playing a role in this epidemic. I came across this website that explains some things that really made sense to me. I am not really sure about the treatment strategy they suggest, but the information about the possible causes seem logical. I have also read several times now that chronic candida and fungal infections can be at the root of some cancers. Makes me wonder about my Valley Fever scenario.
Anyway, thanks for the compliment- it was great to see everyone out at Trilogy!
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