After discovering her Sister in Law has breast cancer, an online friend asked if there was something she should do or say to help – or better yet, NOT do.  I started my reply with a few short things and suddenly it ran into a whole list! So, here it is:

1. I am really happy for ‘Miss So and So’ who seems to be just breezing through her treatments. I am- really! But there are over 300 different strands of breast cancer and just as unique as the cancer, so is the person dealing with it. Bodies react differently, so inside when I hear that ‘Miss So and So’ is doing great, it makes me scared that if I don’t do great, I have done something wrong.

2. I know you want to be upbeat and positive, but please stop telling me I’ll be fine.  A.)  “Fine”  is such a lame word and B.) I know this already. Now, there are times when this statement is appropriate.  But one nice lady kept telling me “ You’ll be fine! It won’t be that bad! You’re young- you’ll do great!” Like I was starting a new diet plan or something.  Honestly, it was annoying.

3. Do not under any circumstances question my plan of treatment- unless you are a Doctor.  It is easy to be a side seat driver, thinking of all the ways you would do things differently.  But the truth is, you never know what you would do in a situation until you are actually in the situation. The best thing is to gently encourage to ‘Trust your gut’.  I swayed on this one with the lung biopsy and I paid for it- Good thing it happened early on in my treatment because I will certainly pay more attention to my instincts next time.

4. Please spare me the “It will make you stronger” spiel. I think life is hard enough without a bout of cancer to toughen you up.

On the flip side of things, there are some things you can say and do to make things a little better.

1.You can send me notes, messages and emails just to say “Hi- I’m thinking about you” My mother in law sends me cards in the mail all the time. It lets me know she cares without having to talk about it all the time. It makes me feel loved.

2.I have heard that some cancer patients don’t like it when people say “You look great!” Not me.  You can tell me I look fabulous any day of the week and I’ll take it- but only when it’s true.

3.I have one friend who told me “ I need you to know that you can talk about your treatments etc. as much or as little as you want, but I’m still going to call you a lot and ask how you are doing” That meant a lot to me - it took the pressure off of  updating  about things all the time.

4.Beating cancer is a long process.  In the beginning it is overwhelming and it’s all you can talk about- but I still am interested in what’s going on in YOUR life.  Just because I have cancer doesn’t mean I can’t be a friend to you too.  Crappy things still happen to other people. My cancer doesn’t ‘trump’ other big life drama. Your life is still important to me. Plus, it graciously takes the spotlight off me for awhile.

5.Sometimes the best thing you can say – and I’ve said this a hundred times – is “This just sucks- I don’t even know what to say”

So now, I know what you’re thinking “Have I said these things before?” and you know what? It doesn’t matter. If you have, I still love you anyway.  Sometimes we are at a loss for words and things slip out of our mouths. I understand that times like these call for some really awkward, uncomfortable moments and it’s o.k.  We are ALL just doing the best we can.

There is a really great book called " Just Get Me Through This!" - The Practical Guide to Surviving Breast Cancer that gives pointers for family members and friends.  My surgeon gave it to me and I have read every page. The lady who wrote it has a great sense of humor so it makes an easy read while still giving lots of information.