I'd be Lying. . .
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t just want to spend one more day without knowing I have cancer. I just want to go back to before I knew and spend one more bubble bath with my husband drinking wine.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid of what chemotherapy will do to my body or what my body will even look like after all of this.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t mad that I had to go to Doctor’s appointments instead of business appointments. The fact that I worked so hard to build my classes and get clients didn’t seem to matter in the grand scheme of things. I feel like I worked so hard and now I have to start all over.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t pissed off I’m going to chemo treatments instead of the opening of my husband’s new restaurant.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t annoyed that I am spending all my money on prescriptions and co pays when I really want to spend it on Christmas gifts.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t humbled by the outpouring of generosity and kind words from people I don’t even know or people I thought had forgotten about me.
I’d be lying if this didn’t make me think twice about the direction of my life and if I am leading a life of purpose.
I’d be lying if I didn’t wonder what the bigger plan is for all of this.
Tomorrow I go in for a lung biopsy to make sure those spots on my lungs aren’t cancer. I’m hoping it’s some scar tissue or something – anything other than cancer. I find myself asking the same question lately “How the hell did I get HERE?” One day I’m going along in my perfect little life and the next thing I know I’m discussing surgery options about my breasts. It’s very surreal. I keep wishing I could just go to sleep and wake up in 6 months when this is all over. But then I realize – life goes on. Babies are still being born, my daughter will want to get her driver’s permit next month. People are experiencing some of the best times of their life right now and so it should be- yes life goes on, but I’d be lying if I said I wished this was happening.
Angella,
I'd be lying if I said this entry didn't make me cry.
I'd be lying if I didn't feel that my troubles which seemed so big a few moments ago feel so small right now.
I'd be lying if I said I don't feel angry about what you are going through.
Angella, I will be thinking of you tomorrow as I do every day. Hugs, Wendy
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Wendy- I know, reading it over just now it sounds so sad. Guess I was a little. Everybody has troubles now and then. It doesn't mean what you are going through is any 'less' of a problem - it's still creating havoc in your life.
My 'chemo day' was today- it wasn't that bad - I'll be posting about it soon- I would love for you to catch me up with YOU in a private email or call me-I want to hear about all your adventures!
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