Not So Lucky This Time. . . .
This was an entry from my Pilates Girl bloglast month.
14 months ago I found a lump in my right breast. The 3 weeks that followed were some of the most frightening, yet enlightening times of my life. The doctors and nurses tell you it's probably nothing. All I could think was "What if?" "What did I do to cause this?" Was it the reckless smoking when I was young? Not enough sunscreen? Bad diet? Did I have pent up anger I didn't know about? Negative thinking? What? I didn't feel angry and ironically I'm healthier than I 've ever been in my life, so, what gives?
Regardless of the outcome, this had changed me. I knew having cancer was not a death sentence. Plenty of people have cancer and live. No, this was not a death sentence, it was a new lease on life. Things were quickly put in to perspective. I immediately stopped doing things I didn't want to do and started doing things I had dreamed about. I canceled appointments and book vacations. I listened more and complained less. I was actually happier than I had been in months. It occurred to me that while I was waiting for the results of my biopsy, I could be killed in a car crash or even struck by lightening. I could be a victim of some random shooting or have a heart attack and die . Morbid? Maybe. Eye Opening? Definitely. Had I lived my life the way I wanted? Did I say enough 'I love you's?' or 'I'm sorry's?' Have I lived a full life or was I waiting on 'someday'? If so, what exactly was I waiting on? Suddenly, all of those cliches like "Life is short" and "Today is a gift" rang true to heart.
Like a good girl, I went for my check up. Unfortunately, I wasn't so lucky this time. Seems that lump from last year turned into something totally different. Cancer. Yeah, I know- what a bummer. I look back at that blog entry and think 'Wow- was I naive'. I talk about how 'it changed me' but nothing can prepare you for the real deal. In a few weeks, I'll be starting 16 weeks of lovely chemotherapy that will nauseate me, weaken me and make all my hair fall out. After that, I'll be ready for surgery- and last but not least, I'll have some radiation to round things up. I have had a few weeks to prepare myself- I got my wig, got educated about all things cancer and prepared some frozen dinners so my kids don't starve.
I told myself when this started I didn't want to be someone who's life was about their disease. I didn't want to spend hours upon hours sifting through the internet and books about cancer- giving it more power than it already has, taking more of my time. But, little by little I needed to accept it. I didn't feel like it was the end of the world, but I wasn't ready to call it a 'gift' just yet either. I came across the book 'Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips' by Kris Carr at the library and just a few days later it showed up in my mailbox sent from across the country from my mother in law. The truth is, this blog is because of that book. Also, for someone like me who rarely talks on the phone I didn't want to spend all day talking about my treatments and repeating stories. It's exhausting and it gives the *C* word too much power. So, I thought this would be a good way for people to find out what's going on - honestly, I had no idea how many people liked me!!
I am honored. So many people have asked me "What can I do for you? " Well, I finally thought of something- visit my blog and forward it on to someone you know. I am looking for survivors, people currently dealing with cancer and other people who have been affected by cancer in some way. With a husband who travels and family across the country, this is my form of a support group. So, don't be shy - leave a comment or post a useful tip.
I remember years ago reading an online journal about breast cancer and thinking it was the most depressing thing I ever read. I don't want my blog to be like that. I want to inspire people. I want to educate people and I want to support people to live life to the fullest. I hope you will join me.
I just read your blog for the first time. I can't tell you how relieved I am. I believe you are the strongest person I know. I always had a feeling that you would beat this "C" word, it is just something a sister feels I guess. And every night I wish on the first star and ask that you come through this with as little pain and as gracefully as one can come through something like this. Now, after reading this, I am positive you will come out of this stronger and wiser than you already are.
I love you and admire so you much
Gina
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That means so much to me coming from some one I love and admire myself! Now, tell Santa you want internet connection at your house so you can read everyday! Love you!
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Angella,
I really feel inspired by what you have written in this journal so far.
I have always thought of you as a very tough girl and someone who would inspire others. I feel so blessed to know you and have you in my family.
I want you to know that Chris, Katrina and I are praying for you every day as you prepare to start your chemo treatments.
Please forgive me if I can't get on here very much, with the new baby.
But we promise to keep up the prayers.
Love,
Penelope
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