I thought when cancer was gone I would be the same. . . what a joke!
Angella Hamilton ~Inner Tough Girl
Is Any of This Post Cancer Stuff Working?
Pinkfest is Over ~ Inner Tough Girls Wear Purple with Pride!
It's official. October is now over. We can trade our pink for shades of red and green. I am grateful for the money and awareness going in to Breast Cancer research. I am. Truly- but with each passing year, as the awareness grows, I feel companies and even individuals exploit the disease in effort to make themselves look good for 'a cause.' Like the Coca Cola company with Diet Coke for the Cure ~ Really? Because I am pretty sure the artificial crap that goes into Diet Coke plays a big part in disease. Or, like the lady who continually spammed me to buy Avon for 'The Cure'. Let's be honest. There is not too much 'curing' going on. There is too much money to be made from cancer. Let's put some money into Survivorship. Let's put some money into the community where these women live to teach them a new way to cook for themselves and their family. Or to help them physically and mentally heal from the onslaught of a cancer diagnosis. That's where I'm putting my money. . . obviously.
The kick off luncheon for the Inner Tough Girls was a success. It was the equivalent of Christmas for me. Preparing for a big day, getting everything you wished for and more, feeling deep gratitude for everyone around you. Yes, October 30th 2009 is a day to remember. If you haven't seen our new website, you can check out all the Tough Girl happenings at OurLifeAfterCancer.org
I think everyone else felt the same too. There were new faces, familiar faces, tears, smiles and lots of hugging going on! As usual, everyone forgot to take a lot of pictures and the video camera didn't work, but other than that - it came off without a hitch.
I kept remembering the man that approached me when I was having lunch with a friend during treatments. You might remember it too- when the man said to me, " I just want you to know- everything really is going to be alright." I thought he might be proud of me for some odd reason. I felt so grateful to be in the presence of such amazing women. The age range spanned from 17 to 70, all with one thing in common. Cancer had affected their lives in some way.
The best gift of all was the fact that my daughter witnessed such strong women. When I was young, I wanted my parents to be proud of me. When I became a parent, I wanted my children to be proud of me. I have certainly caused many tears as a parent. Groundings, disappointments etc. but on October 30th, I caused a different kind of tears - joyful tears of a daughter who was proud of her mom.
Cancer Bonus 101 ~You Will Meet Cool People Along the Way
Lately, I have been meeting very cool people. I've met a cancer nutritionist , a 22 year ovarian cancer Survivor and President of the Ovarian Cancer Society of Arizona. I have met organic farmers,
a makeover specialist, the brains behind an amazing sponge that is literally changing my skin. I mean the list could go on. People are pulling together now more than ever.
The Inner Tough Girl Life After Cancer Events have taken on a whole new life within the last few months. We filed for our 501 c status, launched our website attracted a grant writer, event planners, and passionate people that just want to help in some way. Yes, of course, some things have not turned out as planned- that's to be expected. It's a growing process and if we are able to stay flexible in our thoughts, we might just get more than we ever dreamed possible.
In between all the excitement, I myself am still struggling with post cancer - but every time I feel down, an angel with a face appears and I remember everything is exactly how it needs to be for now- whatever the reason.
Our Board decided to hold off on the 'BIG' event, opting for a smaller, more informal event. It is a positive thing- we will have the opportunity to really get to know our Founding Members and learn how to support them the best way we can. We are walking before we are running and building the foundation for something that will take on a life of it's own and change hundreds of thousands of people throughout the years. That's 'Tough'.
We've even set up ways for you to support us by recycling your old electronics ~ Good for the environment, good for our pocketbook and good for your clutter control. We keep trying to think of ways to reach as many women affected by cancer as we possibly can. What's your suggestion? Think outside the lines box, lines and limitations!
In Health and Happiness,
A.
The Tough Girls Guide to Life After Cancer
In the beginning of my treatment, my ‘tough girl’ was like a cheerleader. Rah! Rah! Save the world- Sack that c-a-n-c-e-r . Then it was like a broody teenager- pissed off most of the time, annoyed and emotional. Then something shifted and I was ready to step up to be the person I was intended to be – Confident and happy with who I have become.
The other day,I was in the grocery and heard some ladies talking about their chemo treatments. I realized there were 5 of us in the produce section and 3 of us had undergone chemotherapy. It was time to do something about my dream -it was time to make a leap of faith even though I felt it was "too big" for me. As fate would have it, once I made this decision, all kinds of help stepped up to the plate and volunteered for project. There was no turning back.
Many moons ago when people would ask what I ultimately wanted to do with my life- I would respond "I want to build something that will outlast me." Meaning,I wanted to change and impact people in a way that would make the world a better place. I had no idea how plans would unfold - as most of us rarely do. Besides bring two beautiful people into the world, The " Life After Cancer" events are my contribution to the world.
I realized there is a lot of support for women initially diagnosed and going through treatments, surgery etc. but not too much about what happens after the cancer is gone and the treatments are over. I understand there are a lot of people who go on with their former life- a life before cancer-but for me, cancer deeply impacted my life and my relationships. Nothing is the same and to be quite honest. . . I had a tough time.
People would say "Oh, well you are so young, you will recover fast!" and yep - that's true - but being young and recovering from cancer creates a whole host of physical problems. Yeah, I AM young and I would like my sex life back - I AM young and I did not plan on having debilitating arthritis and fatigue for my 'younger years' I AM young and did not plan on having to worry about bone density at my age or my teeth falling out for crying out loud. Yes, I will admit - I feel a little robbed of my youth. Whatever-I try not to think about it too much.
A friend recently passed on this quote to me about faith:
Faith...
When you come to the edge of all the light you have, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on,
or you will be taught how to fly.
It's our time to fly... 
My vision and intention is to take "Life After Cancer" events to a national level. After the success in Phoenix I plan to take the event to Ohio and Seattle. I am sure God will let me know where else I am supposed to go. So, please know that your support is not only for the event in AZ, but across the country. Here Are the details so far:
Life After Cancer: A Tough Girl's Guide to Health and Happiness
An interactive event for women who have been affected by any type of cancer.
Guest Speakers to Include:
*Naturopathic Oncologist : Dr. Daniel Rubin of Naturopathic Specialists
* Raw Food Expert and Nutrition Consultant
* Exercise Specialist
* Style and Image Expert
* Life Coach
* Stress Management
* Food
* Prizes
* Laughter,support and FUN!
A donation between $35.00 - $50.00 is suggested, however Dr. Rubin has generously donated select sponsorships. All contributions go to this and future events across the nation.
When: October 30th 2009 from 10:00 a.m. - 2:00 p.m.
Where: Fairmont Scottsdale Princess
Scottsdale Arizona
Please join us on FaceBook and Twitter@PilatesLounge for updates
The End of the Road Trip
Whether by fate or by design, there was no T.V in our accommodations in Napa Valley. Secretly I thought this was great- we were surrounded by books and games – I was looking forward to some good ‘quality time’ with the kids.
On one particular day we decided to venture to the coveted Culinary Institute of Amercia.
The day started so beautiful, so peaceful. I woke up early and watched the dew burn off the vineyards.
There was a feeling of peace and gratitude that almost humbles me to tears.
Slowly, the kids wake up, start banging around. I remind them we are at someone’s house- not a hotel and there will be no maid coming in to clean up their sloppy mess. Brandon drops his cereal, Chelsea places her hot iron on hard wood floors and I snap.
What happens next is something that resembles a scene in The Exorcist.
The bad eating, no exercise, low tolerance for stress built up and unleashed it’s fury. Not even 5 minutes pass and I wish I could claim a ‘do over’ but my kids aren’t buying it this time. They’re pissed.
Where is my husband? All of us start to deeply miss him in a way that feels like nothing will be fun anymore until we see him again. We eat, we play cards, we do some painting, but nothing is right until we pick him up at the airport.
The thought of driving back to the airport causes slight post traumatic syndrome of the days before when we were horribly lost. But this time we get our act together and start working as a team. Chelsea becomes the co pilot I needed all along and we make it to the airport no problem.
From the minute we see out Knight in Shining Armor ( aka my husband ), the whole energy of the trip changes. Life is good.
I found my own little oasis when we arrive at The Sonoma Mission Inn. Ironically, Matt and I had stayed at this property over a decade ago on our fist trip to Napa and it was just as beautiful now. I was in desperate need of some real exercise.I head to the spa, soaked in the mineral baths, did some Pilates. Ahhh yes, this was exactly what I needed. Something ‘woke up’ inside me – I was ready to head back to Phoenix although I had no clue what was to unfold when I got there.
As life has a way of doing, when a particular venture, relationship, career is not meant to be, it starts to crumble away and this is how I felt about teaching Pilates and training clients.
Somewhere between chemo and surgery of last year I decided I didn’t want to work with people who were just working out to ‘look hot’. I wanted to make a difference. When the time came for me to return to work however, I was so hungry for something resembling my old life, I settled for my stagnant routine. But just like my jeans that had grown too tight over my Summer travels – something about this didn’t feel good anymore. I had grown out of my job AND my jeans. . .now what?
Road Trip Part 3- I'm having fun. . .really!
I should mention that I am having fun on this grand excursion. The kids are actually great travel companions. When I ask “What do you want to do?’ they say ‘ Whatever’ or "Where do you want to eat?" they respond ‘I dunno’. This causes words of my father to spew from my mouth “You guys need to start figuring these things out- I’m not the entertainment community.” It occurred to me that although we had had many ‘vacations’ to nice places etc. Most times we were merely ‘visiting’ a place. There’s a difference, you know, between traveling and visiting. Visiting means getting toted around everywhere and having everything planned out for you- traveling is brass knuckles.
The unfortunate part (or fortunate –however you choose to look at it) is that we were just ‘visiting’ on the island of Maui a few weeks before where we took what could easily be one of the top five windiest roads in the world. The Road to Hana –It’s an infamous road and nearly made everyone car sick by the end- So as we begin our scenic adventure from Santa Monica to Carmel, driving up the Pacific Coast Highway – a wave of motion sickness sets in and I remind myself to enjoy the scenery. Which I would have enjoyed the scenery – very much had I been in the passenger seat. But no, I’m clenching my jaw, gripping the wheel, through yet again another tight, winding road. My friend had told me all about this private little beach along the road- she even wrote little directions on a map. It was so ‘private’ we drove right past it ….TWICE! our 5 hour jaunt had turned into seven and we all need to pee – so we head to the hotel –The Carmel Mission Inn. Newly renovated with the price that proves it, I glance over to see moderate disappointment across the faces of my little tribe. This is NOT the Fairmont. We decide to head down to the bay and see lots of ocean life and even a sea otter just hanging out on a rock beside us. Very cool.
There is a somber air around us, mainly because we realize we will be dropping Kevin off to his grandparents the next day. We are half way into our road trip, but thousands of miles away from home and it’s starting to feel that way. My nerves are shot – I ran out of clean underwear back in LA. I am tired of eating out. . .and shopping. . I would love some clean clothes and a few days of no planned activity.
Kevin’s grandparents are adorable and talking to them makes me miss my Nana and tears start welling up. Jeez- could I get any weirder? Why am I crying?
We say our good byes and off we go. I figure this is a good time to get in some good ‘conversation time’. A chance to reflect on our trip so far. I start to explain to Chelsea how she needs to know these things about navigating a map and directions, etc. and that getting lost was bound to happen, just keep your cool, figure out where you are and where you need to be and work it out. We then proceed to get lost in down town San Fran driving from one end of the city to the other. To the Golden Gate Bridge to the Bay Bridge and back again to the Gold Gate. I find it very ironic that we get within a mile from where we need to be and I start doubting myself and TURN AROUND in the opposite direction. Story of my life. I know, I know. . .most of you are thinking “Just by a GPS for godssake!” and surely I would have gladly spent the money to buy one- had I thought of it. But no, this was ‘old school road trip’ from start to finish.
Finally we cross the bridge ( the Golden Gate ) and off to wine country. For me, Seeing wineries and vineyards is the equivalent of seeing movie stars for the kids. There is an excitement about it and then . . . there it was. . . our fairly tale farm house sitting on a small vineyard with rose gardens and 100 year old trees. We are ‘home’ - at least for the next 5 days.
Navigating A Road Trip - Part Two
We head to Santa Monica , Ca It was our lucky day when we were upgraded at the Fairmont Miramont. I love this hotel. I feel at home here. It is said that many Hollywood stars have been discovered in the lobby bar. I decide to have a drink there ‘just in case’. We head to the Pier and have some greasy food and do some serious people watching. Brandon’s eyes start to light up with the ‘sale’ signs in every window and tons of good looking people. We had one day to do Hollywood so, typical Hamilton style, we cover everything in record time and then look at each other and ask ‘ now what?’
Rodeo Drive –check
Hollywood Blvd. – check
Fairfax Farmers Market –check
Oddly, everyone picks the Farmer’s Market as the favorite of the day. Maybe it was the array of food stalls or the mysterious ‘celebrity’ with a trail of Paparazzi that walked by the boys. No one could figure out who it was, and honestly, who cared? Especially Chelsea who went on a mild rant about the shallowness of celebrity following blah blah blah. . . However, I did find it interesting about the whole business of the Pap. Where did they come from all the sudden? I wish I would’ve gotten a picture of the picture takers.
WHY do I feel so lost? I’ve even been here before! I am exhausted. Extreme sensory overload. My neck and shoulders are killing me from gripping the steering wheel and breaking out in sweats
Navigating A Road Trip - Part One
Last summer was about saving my life. This summer is definitely about savoring my life. I remember telling myself last year that I would ‘make up’ for what I felt I missed out on next summer. I dreamed about taking a road trip through California and quite frankly I was tired of thinking about it. This was the year. My husband didn’t think any part of ‘road trip’ through summer was fun, so we invited my daughter's boyfriend to join us for a few days. This does several things :
A. My daughter is much happier.
B. My son, also has some male friendship and
C. There is considerable less fighting between all of us.
There is a down side to this- do you remember being 17 and having your boyfriend around your parents? There are bound to be embarrassing moments. I was terrified of embarrassing my kids and paying dearly for therapy sessions in their later years that would 'scar them for life.'
I can do this. It’s a straight shot on the highway. I have been to LA before- I’ve driven in big cities. No worries.
There are certain instances that make me a Nostalgic Sap- like the exciting feeling of going on a road trip. Leaving early, cooler packed with snacks. Or like when I told the kids “This map has traveled around the country for the last 15 years. “ Hmmm. . . Think about that for a minute . . . what I have here is an extremely outdated map.
Life is good until we hit an accident on the highway and miss our exit to Newport Beach. After some time, I start seeing signs to Temecula and I remember thinking “ Wow- Temecula is so far away from everything else .” Looking at the map ( an updated one this time from the gas station) we figured we were a solid 1 ½ in the opposite direction. Terrifed my kids were going to blow up and angrily ask “ What were you thinking.” They just looked at each other and being teenagers, blurted “Blowhole!”
Never hearing this term before – I double over in laughter. Laughing of course breaks the tension and back on the road we go.
A few things were blatantly obvious to me thus far:
1. My husband, became so good at taking care of things the past year that it was much easier to let him do it ( i.e navigating a map )
2. Map skills are a highly valuable skill. - Even in the age of downloading maps to your phone.
3. My ability to deal with stressful situations had increasingly diminished.
My third point makes sense due to fluxuating hormones and mental stress levels. This is part of life after cancer or maybe this is life with 3 teenagers in a car on one Mother Load Road Trip.
I was uncomfortable in every sense of the word. I started to question my road trip decision. My gut feeling told me there was something to be learned from this scenario. I certainly had no other choice but to focus on the problem at hand. I had no choice but to be 'in the moment' for better or worse, there is something to be said about that.
A good old candy store saved the day when we found buckets of salt water taffy. We end the day huddled together with our gummy artificial flavored wads of sugar and watch “ I Love You , Man “ which turns out to be very funny and ‘full of fodder for future conversations” as Chelsea puts it.
Getting lost seemed very far away.
What to do with this blog?? Life After Cancer
I know, it has been awhile since I have written on this blog. I have been working so hard on thePilates Girl Blog that I haven't had much of a chance to 'get in touch with my cancer feelings' . Honestly, I want to be known as the Pilates Girl , not the cancer chic. So, it begs the question. . . what happens to this blog? Do I change it into a source for knowledge and resources for other people going through the same thing or do I just let it drift on out in cyberspace?
I guess I could write about how cancer has affected my life and how things will never be the same - wah,wah,wah. . . If I updated you on every doctor appointment or every time I thought I had a recurrence of cancer, It would be quite depressing and a bore. I don't have time to think about it any more. I have accepted the fact that I will probably lead a little shorter life than I expected, but no one and I mean no one, knows when they 'will go'. That being said, I have some living that needs to be done and that means I have to ignore the cancer for awhile.
If you are waiting for a special occasion to drink the good wine- don't . If you are waiting on something to make you happy- you better go out and find out what it is, because the day will come when you will wish you would have done those things sooner.
I am sure I will occasionally post on this blog and I will always keep it up and running so people may find it when they need to - but if you want to keep up with the LIVING I am doing, you will have to follow me on The Pilates Lounge because I am tired of hearing myself whine about the cancer. It happened. It has changed me in a way that is so deep I can not even begin to express. Not for better, not for worse, just changed.
In time, when I am ready, I will come back to my program I started for BC Survivors - the exercises and the nonprofit I started , the workshops etc, but I need to get some distance from it first. Right now, I need to take a break from cancer, I need to clean my closets- ( literally ) I need to get a fresh start and weed my garden. ( metaphorically since I don't have a garden and if I did I would kill everything in it.)
So, I ask you, please stop by the Pilates Lounge, follow me on Twitter or You Tube and keep in touch. In the meantime, I will be loading all my cancer related workshop material so you can download it for free in case you know of someone who needs it.
In Health and Happiness!
Angella
There Are Some Good Days Too!!
Writing is part of the healing process for me. My cousin and I were not close, in fact, we hadn't seen each other in over 20 years. I spoke with her when I was diagnosed about the genetic testing and we kept in touch briefly after that. But, somewhere I felt this 'sisterhood' between us because the cancer and of the gene defect. Just as a person in general, I was pulling for her, wanting her to make it- defy the odds somehow. I think I wanted her to do it so I could be reassured that the same wouldn't happen to me. Silently when I was praying for her, I was praying for me too. My grief in her passing was not necessarily because I 'lost' someone in my life, but because it messed with my own issues around dying. But, if recurrence IS in my future, I have a lot to do before then. I have gotten a second chance- I am choosing not to waste it.
Bio Link
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007 I thought I would "Have a little lumpectomy, have some radiation and go on with life." I had no idea how cancer would impact my life. Cancer made a big fat mess after it's grand exit. One I am still cleaning up. This blog is about my experience~ Please share yours too!
